You know you're my hero!

Time keeps marching on; this is our song..

The song of the day is Our Song by Goodnight Nurse. I am dedicating this entry, this song, and this entire blog to Max. One year ago, about this time, he died. He committed suicide. I have never ever told anyone why, other than that he had problems with his parents, and I am proud of that. I've never told anyone anything about him other than his name and date of death, nothing personal like date of birth, age, home, anything. I'm proud of that. That way, he remains the angel I always saw him as. No one can say something mean about him, no one knows him. People can't say anything other than they feel with my loss. I like that. I think it's an honerable way to remember him.

Max was the most imperfect boy I've ever met, and that is what made him so god damn perfect. He knew he wasn't perfect, he admitted and understood, and he looked himself in the mirror every morning anyways. What he didn't see, was, that his imperfection made him perfect. I never told him I thought that way about him, our relationship wasn't like that - we never gave each other compliments or so..we just listened and understood - but somehow today, I wish I did. Maybe it would've changed something. Maybe it would've made him happy. He was intelligent, probably the smartest guy I've ever known, and beautiful..he was focused on every project he started, he was loyal, and he was a great listener. He was so incredibly brave that I couldn't understand it, all the things he went through and even though he kept his head held high until the very last second. In a note that a person read outloud to me on the phone, he claimed that no one ever was the reason for his suicide; he was simply tired of this world, tired of sadness and loneliness, and he didn't think he could ever truly be happy here. He apologized to me, and told me to always just be happy, even though he couldn't. And he wrote he looked forward to meeting God. Max believed in God, he believed in something better after death. That is what inspired me, and made me religious as well; I just believe in Buddhism.

Max was the friend I had always missed out on. He was that friend that I needed, just to be happy. He was the one friend, that came to me when I was in distress. He pretty much fell down from heaven..and he listened. He listened to all that I had to say to him, even though we didn't know each other.. And he understood.. He gave me the advice, to just always be happy. Back then, about two and a half year ago, I didn't understand. I didn't see how I could 'just always be happy'. But now I've passed that advice on to so many. It's the smartest thing I've ever heard, honestly. Because if you can be happy, even though everything is miserable, then everything isn't that miserable anymore. It may be hard to understand...but it makes perfect sense, and it is true as fuck. I took that advice in, not knowing how to always be happy, and today I use it every day.

Truth is, there is no way to always be happy. There will always be times when you're down, and nothing can really cheer you up. But throwing yourself on the floor, letting yourself be sad, isn't very helpful. You have to figure out a way to be happy. That's what Max taught me; to be happy. I know how to be happy now. I've come so far since last year, I've gained so much knowledge, confidence, and happiness. I've been to hell and I've been to heaven during the past year, and I suppose that's a part of life. But when you learn how to be happy, even though you are in hell..then you are truly blessed. I'm going through hell now..and right now..I'm happy. It's rough, but I'm happy. Therefore, I am satisfied with myself, my life, and everything else.

So today, on the anniversary of his suicide, I'm passing on to you what Max didn't understand himself.. Just always be happy. It's not impossible. 

To prove my point, and to make Max proud and show him that I'm trying to just always be happy, I'm not staying home today. I'm not staying here crying and mourning. I'm going to spend the day with family and friends at a funpark, where I'm going to see my boyfriend's band do a concert, too. And I can't wait. I love you, Max. I'm just always happy when I think of you, because you taught me how to. The song I posted today will always be our song, you showed me the band, and it was the first song I listened to after I heard about your suicide. I'm not angry, or disappointed. I understand. Just like we both always did. This is our sad goodbye, but it's not a bad goodbye.

- Chiaki