If you go down I go down with you.. May I say I loved you more?
The song of the day, and also yesterday, is One Man Drinking Games by Mayday Parade. This song always makes me cry, for some reason.. I just can't help it. It truly means a lot to me, even though it is indeed a very sad song, and I believe that this was the first song I heard by Mayday Parade - which is one of my favorite bands.
Anyways, the reason I chose this song, is because yesterday, there was only one month 'till the anniversary of Max' death. And I think this song is about losing.. It may be a love song, and no, I was never in love with Max, but I can still relate to it, if you try to not listen too closely to the lyrics. The meaning afterall is losing someone that you love, and actually knowing that you're losing him/her, and you get to somehow say goodbye. This is the kind of ending I wanted with Max. I did know he would die one day..that he wouldn't make it..but I thought I would have more time. I thought he would tell me when he was ready. I thought I would get to say goodbye...I just didn't.
The song of the day is A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade. It's the song of the day because I love my boyfriend, and today, I realized how much he has changed my life.
Back when he sent me the first message ever, my life was a mess, and I was a mess. I was in love with a boy that wasn't good for me...well, he pretty much made me miserable. And then, this amazing guy called Sigurd sent me a message on this site called tagged.com - and it slowly started to change. We got to know each other, and we became friends, and he was just so..awesome to write with. And the first time we actually talked, I realized how much he actually meant to me. He made me laugh when I had forgotten how to. He made me laugh so incredibly much, that I still can't believe it. And so, I fell for him, without knowing it. There were times when we didn't talk so much, but it was ok, 'cause when we did, he was the best at cheering me up. And suddenly, one day, I realized I was in love.
I left the guy whom I was miserable with. Because I knew that this other guy, Sigurd, that I was in love with, could make me happy. And I kind of felt like he somehow felt the same way about me - or at least I hoped for it. And so, I took a chance. There were of course other reasons for me to leave my current boyfriend, other than Sigurd, but one of the biggest reasons was Sigurd standing right there, waiting for me to reach out for his hand. So I did, and 25th of November, we were caming for the first time - and we were in love. After that night, my life has started to get better and better, and is still getting better each and every day. I feel beautiful, I feel thin, I feel talented - I am who I want to be. For the first time in my entire life, I am who I want to be. And I feel loved.
Now, I want to say thank you, Sigurd. Thank you for falling in love with me, giving me a possibility to make my life better. Thank you for making me laugh when I had forgotten how to. Thank you for making me smile and making me happy every single day. Thank you for loving me.
The song of the day is Paul's Song by Bullet - in this version it is sung by Jessica Campbell. It is a very beautiful song, which was made for the movie 'Safety of Objects', which is a very brilliant movie and a touching story, about how one's accident can have an impact on a whole bunch of different people with different lives, and how a family's choice of not moving on, can keep everyone from moving on. Basicly, it's about how hard it can be to let someone go. Anyhow, you have to move on in the end, and this movies showcases that. This is probably the kind of movies I would like to make one day. Safety of Objects is definitly worth watching. Anyways....
Today I opened my eyes, and I starred out into golden rays of sun streaming through my window, colouring my room in a bright and beautiful light. I heard birds singing outside, and I felt a warmth crawl up underneath my skin, and I sensed that summer was on the way. And somehow, it made me think of this song. I don't know why. I was just laying there in my bed, staring out into my room, thinking and smiling and singing. I think I did that for about an hour. I've been sick, but all of a sudden I felt much better. Even though I thought of people I've lost, and people that've died while I sung this song (sung and sung..it was like a whisper, but whatever), I smiled, and I cried because I was so happy. I was happy because in that moment I knew, that every time those golden rays fall down on my floor, every single person that has ever died away from me is with me again. At least I feel like that.
The song of the day is Carry On by Fun. - this song somehow always makes me feel great. It - in some weird way - gives me the confidence I always need. I like that, lol.
Anyways, I chose this song, because of an amazing thing he sings in the chorus; "may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground". I understand this, as saying that you should never give up - always keep going, and carry on. I told myself that, earlier today, when I felt like giving up on everything. Really literally just throwing all I have to the ground, and just sit down and cry until I would eventually die of exhaustion or something like that. But there were these girls, and this boy, and they helped me get back on track. So thank you - to all of the people who helped me stop crying today. Thank you, Sigurd, for giving me a future to look forward to. Thank you, Fun., for this amazing song, that I have listened to all evening, because of that one sentence.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground - carry on! <3
I have loved you for a thousand years.. I'll love you for a thousand more!
The song of the day is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. Somehow, this song reminds me of my boyfriend. How I want to feel one day, and only with him; how I dream about marrying him some day. Right now, that day seems so far away, and yet so close, because I cannot see an end with him. Somehow, I want to grow old with him. I do love him that much.
I may not have loved him for a thousand years, but I have loved him for a long time, without really knowing it..and eventually, I realised, and he was mine, and I was his. If I was to decide, I would love him for at least a thousand years more.
Because that would mean, that I would get to wake up to see his smile every morning, I would wake up to look him in the eyes, and feel his warm skin against mine, and his love filling up my body. I would get to fall asleep wrapped in his arms, I would get to be kissed and hugged and touched and loved, every day for the rest of my life. Or at least, that's how I imagine it would be. And I most certainly wouldn't mind that.
I love him. He loves me. What could go wrong? Well, a lot of things..but seriously, I don't mind taking the chance. I don't care about being looked down at, and I don't care about people's oppinions, and I don't care about what everyone else will say. I want to marry him. Yes - there you go. I want to marry him. I said the thing no 15 year old girl should say, because it's 'immature' and 'stupid', and 'I don't know anything about that yet'. I don't care. The only thing that matters, is his response to this, honestly.
My parents met when they were 16. Got married at 18. At 41 they're still together. I believe that it's possible to meet your 'one and only', even though you are very young. Honestly, I've said that a lot of guys were my 'one and only'. And then this guy came along.....and he made me forget all I have ever said, and done, and thought, and been, that I didn't like, or that I was regretting. Now, I can only remember the good times in my life; because of him. I always have something to look forward to. I can wake up every morning, and be happy to live. And he is the absolutely one and only person that has given me that; a meaning with life.
I want to feel that meaning with life, every day for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? I don't think so. I love my boyfriend, and that's the end of the story - so far. <3
The song of the day is I'm Sorry I Told You All My Problems by Days Away. I've honestly had no idea what song to choose, but I ended up with this, not only because it is a very special song that makes me happy and sad at the same time, but also because of a very simple line: Care for the ones you need, and maybe their hearts will grow.
That's what I needed to hear today.
You see, this morning, I recieved a very nasty message, from a fake facebook profile..a message in which I was told, that I didn't deserve the life I was given. I've been confused because of that message..but I've found rest, and I understand, that it's not important what people whom don't like me think - what matters is what the people that do like me think.
The song of the day is Hold On by Dashboard Confessional. I just listened to this song, and I was covered in nostalgia, as I came to think of the last time I listened to it - two years ago. I came to think about who I was back then. I am so much happier today. I like that. Other than that, I just love this song - it has a weird impact on me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
- Chiaki
Btw, look at these beautiful flowers, that my boyfriend has given me...isn't he amazing?
I'm hoping you will never change - don't ever change..
The song of the day is Never Change by Chase Coy. I chose this song, because today, I saw a person on the bus. Not someone I knew, but for a moment, I was scared it was an exboyfriend of mine, whom I am very afraid of, and whom has recently returned to Denmark, after spending some time in England.. I went home, bathing myself in nostalgia for a few minutes, listening to the songs that used to remind me of him. And then I listened to this. When he left for England, back in August, this was on my mind all the time... The sad thing is, he changed. I miss the guy he used to be, yes. But not him. Because he does not have that same smile anymore, the same warmth and the same sensitivity, that he used to have. He is no longer as I remember him. And that is indeed kind of sad.
Therefore, I was happy it wasn't him on the bus. I don't think I could remember him as the first guy I loved, if I looked him in the eyes now. Because he is not that guy anymore. So what I was really afraid of, was not the fact that he is a little crazy and pretty mad at me - I was afraid I'd lose the sweet, sweet memories I hold of who he used to be.
The song of the day is Imagine by the amazing John Lennon. I have chosen this song, because my entry today is dedicated to peace, and a better world. Sounds tacky, I know, but keep reading, you will definitly be touched..
Earlier today, I was just chillin', and looking around facebook, when I stumbled across this link to a video..I read a short description; "Use thirty minutes of your lives to save thousands of childrens. Joseph Kony abducts, abuses, and creates a children-army, and makes them kill their own parents. All this started 26 years ago in Uganda. The children who lives in, and north from Uganda, would rather die than live." Since I was a little bored, I thought, that watching the video wouldn't hurt anyone... About 7 minutes into the video, I sat with tears in my eyes, and wondered how this was not known already? And when the video was over, I was 100 % dedicated; I will, without anyones permission or not; participate in KONY 2012, a project made by Invisible Children, that focuses on making Joseph Kony as famous as possible, so as many people as possible will know about him, and he can be stopped.
Official description of the video; KONY 2012 is a film and campaign by Invisible Children that aims to make Joseph Kony famous, not to celebrate him, but to raise support for his arrest and set a precedent for international justice.
And afterwards you can at this link buy t-shirts, bracelets, posters, and whatever; http://invisiblechildrenstore.myshopify.com/ - if you can't afford it, or like me isn't allowed to participate, you can always make posters and stuff like that yourself; it doesn't matter how it looks, as long as it holds the names KONY 2012 or Joseph Kony, and probably some fancy colours that attracts people's attention!
And at last, you can search for an event on facebook that is located in your area...the event should be on 20th of April to 21th of April, in the evening and night, and is about putting posters up everywhere, to make Joseph Kony and KONY 2012 known! More about this in the video.
The song of the day is The Girl by City And Colour aka Dallas Green.. He is one of the most talented singers I have ever heard..every song he has made sends shivers down my spine.
Sometimes I get so tired of myself, and my current situation, with my health and my mind.. 'Cause I'm not healthy, not in my body, neither in my head. But that's not important right now.
You see, sometimes, I just get so fucking tired, and then I'm just sad and depressed..and tired.. That's why there are some days where I'm not blogging. I don't have any positive things to share with you. Once it was like this nearly every day. I was always tired, and never happy. Never satisfied. And there was no one to make me happy, or satisfied. I couldn't sleep at night, and when I finally did, I had nightmares. I was like a walking dead some days, because I was just too tired to care about anything..
Then someone came along.. A boy. A boy, who pretty much saved my sanity. I was about to go fucking insane at last, from the lack of sleep, and the lack of meaning. And then, he just turned my whole world upside down.
If you change the word 'girl' out with 'boy' in this song...you have a song, that I am dedicating to the boy, who saved me. The boy who took me into his arms, and let me fall asleep with a smile, knowing that for the first time in months, I would not have any nightmares. The boy who always holds me close until I'm sleeping, even though he can't sleep himself, because it's too warm. The boy who always comforts me and calms me if I wake up from another nightmare. The boy whom I can't help to smile at, every time I wake up and look into his eyes, no matter if I have had a nightmare or not. The boy in which arms I can lay with my head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and be filled with a happiness that I have never experienced in my life before. The boy that I can't do anything but love with all my heart. His name is Sigurd, and he is my boyfriend - and he holds the key to my heart. He always has, and he probably always will.
He is the boy who turned my nightmare into a dream.<3
So empty.. But if I keep them closed, then there's still a chance that something is out there!
First of all; this has taken an hour and thirty minutes to write, and has a deep meaning in the end, and is very important to me....so I would really appreciate it, if you would read it all..thank you.
Second of all; notice the amazing music video I have posted along with the song. It's made by a good friend of mine. He's amazing, and he makes me so'so'so happy! He's really talented when it comes to making movies. I love him, and I hope he knows. (I'm writing this because I've never really pulled myself together to tell him all this, and I'm really sorry about that. And since he has supported me a lot on pretty much every single problem I have had since December (and he is the one that made me listen to Circa Survive in the first place, which is the band that has made the song of the day), I thought it was about time.) I love you, Lasse. You are one of the best friends I have, and you are the one of my friends, that I probably trust the most. Now you know.
Anyways.....back to subject. The song of the day is Frozen Creek by Circa Survive, which is btw my favorite band. I chose this song, because it gives me the weirdest feeling inside. It makes me think, and it makes me wonder, and it makes me cry. I cannot figure out wether it's from happiness or sorrow. But it sure helps me.
I have been wondering what to write since Monday. Honestly, I've had the weirdest week ever. And there has been plenty of shit to write about. But it..just didn't feel right. There is one particular thing I've been wanting to write about..that I couldn't get mysel to write about. But since I only wanted to write about that, other things...didn't feel right. They didn't matter. Now they do.
I will now take you through my week, starting with a mystery, and ending up with an explanation.
Monday morning, I woke up, of course. And I came to think about something that happened on my vacation. And I thought I'd just find out a bit more about it...so I did. And it broke my heart. Now, that was the mystery-thing. I pulled myself together, and got up for real, and went to school. Later on, in school, my stomach started hurting....I had never felt a pain like that before, and I had to leave school two classes earlier than usual, because of the pain. The rest of the day, I was just laying in my bed, and couldn't stand up from the pain.
Tuesday, I want to school again, still with a broken heart, because my problem had not been solved yet. Later on that day, my stomach started to hurt again..and the rest of the day, I couldn't stand up from the pain. This evening, my broken heart broke again, as I came to think about how long it has been since I last saw my boyfriend..it hurts to be away. It hurts to know that I cannot just see him. It hurts more than anything..or, at least it feels like it. And I came to think about, if I can really stand this distance..because right now, it doesn't feel like it. I spend almost all night crying from the pain in my stomach, and the pains in my heart.
Next morning, Wednesday, my mom took me to see the doctor. He told me I had gained an inflammation of my appendix, and had to go to the hospital, to have an operation, where my appendix would be removed. And I know, that with an operation, comes scars..and I came to think about the current scars, covering my body. How I have ruined my own body. Destroyed it, and made it even worse than I found it was before.
I spent about 7-8 hours at the hospital, until my doctor eventually found, that my case wasn't bad enough, and so, he let me go, without any operation, or any more scars. And so, I thought about, what would have happened, if I had let myself go on without any scars..where I would be..
Thursday, I took a day of, on my mom's permission. She was worried I would get worse, and we had to go to the hospital again. So I stayed home..and I thought.. About Max..my dead best friend. How nearly a year has passed. And I cried. I cried like a fucking baby. I couldn't control myself. I..miss him..so fucking much..and so, I was reminded of Monday, and the heart that broke, and so the heart broke a little more..
Friday, aka yesterday, I found something scary was about to happen in my life. Or, I'm not sure, but I am afraid. An ex boyfriend of mine has returned to Denmark, after a trip to England...and I honestly thougt he'd stay there, therefore I felt safe. I had a lot of shit going with him when he left, and I am honestly fucking scared of him. I just hope he has forgotten about me, or has forgiven me. To forget about him, I went to a party. No drinking, because of my condition, and I found that I enjoyed the party a lot more, than when I was drunk. I got to have a proper conversation with a very sweet girl that I have wanted to talk to for a long time, and I got to dance without falling, and I got to meet new people without being embarassing, and 'too much'. So I believe this is how I will be spending most of the upcoming parties - nearly sober. Because I got to drink a little bit...but I didn't feel anything from it. So I guess you can say I was sober.
And so, we have come to today. Saturday. The day my heart broke for real. More than it ever has before. Today, I realized what the mystery was about..
I have another ex boyfriend. He knew just what my dead best friend Max pulled me through, with his suicide. And yet, he himself tried comitting suicide. I loved this boy more than anything..I had been in love with him for two years...but the day he did that...every single feeling I have ever had when it came to him...it died. And this, I realized today. This broke me. After his stupidity, I thought I still loved him...I became obsessed with the thought of loving him, and growing old with him, and whatever else that comes with that. And when I left him, because of everything, I thought he was the one.. I was still obsessed. So, I wrote an entry on my old blog, about how I was his, and no one elses, and it would be that way forever. He found out while I was on vacation, and asked me to delete everything about him, on that blog. And I did..but I created the blog again (yes, you can do that with blogspot) to read it one last time, and to delete it again afterwards....and I read the comment he wrote for that entry.. He wrote about how sick I was, how he hated me, and how he was never going back to me. And how "after all the things I pulled him through, he should've pissed on me". Excuse me, while my heart breaks...but...he was the one pulling me through the hardest thing I've ever been through...forcing me to looking him in the eyes, and pulling myself together, and standing by his side, even though I was dying inside.. At the end, I fell to my knees, pulling hair out of my own head, not being able to see from tears, and not being able to breathe from pain...and he pissed on me. I had been there for him for two years..and because I broke up..he cut me off. Suddenly, I was nothing. I had lost him forever. And now, he is saying, that after what I pulled him through, he should've pissed on me? Dude.....I feel the fucking same way.
Time heals all wounds, I guess. This will take years..but it will pass..like the regret from my cutting, the pain from my best friend's suicide, and the misery from being apart from the one I love. All this will pass, one way or another. All will pass. Just give it time.
Don't hate me because I'm not perfect, love me because I'm strong enough to look myself in the mirror anyways.
