The song of the day is No One Like You by Scorpions. I don't really have anything special to tell you about this song, other than it reminds me of my boyfriend. Whom is amazing. And whom I love. And whom has really been there for me today. I appreciate this. So I suppose this is just a big thank you, Sigurd. There's no one like you.
The song of the day is Mr. Medicine by Eliza Doolittle.. I've been wanting to do an entry about this song for quite some time, but I couldn't figure out what to write about it. Well, now I'm just sharing it with you, telling you that's it's one of my favorite songs. My Mr. Medicine is my boyfriend, because he always makes me happy when I'm down. I really want to share something that I wrote earlier today, when I was in a train on my way home from Copenhagen, where I've spent Saturday and most of Sunday with my boyfriend, some of his friends, and his family.
I'm living my life on trains. Nothing less. Trains between two cities.
One my home, the other a place that just seems empty without him.
It takes an hour and a half to reach my home. My home is where he is.
Where he is, is the place that I belong. I don't want to be anywhere else.
So I'm living my life on trains. Spending hours on them, every other weekend.
I can't help but love the invention. A fast way to go to the distant place that I find is my home.
How come that be? I don't know. All I know, is that whereever he is, I belong there.
When he is here, it feels like home. When he's there, that feels like home.
Because of him, I spend my life on trains. And I don't mind. Oh, what I wouldn't do for love..
The song of the day is Our Song by Goodnight Nurse. I am dedicating this entry, this song, and this entire blog to Max. One year ago, about this time, he died. He committed suicide. I have never ever told anyone why, other than that he had problems with his parents, and I am proud of that. I've never told anyone anything about him other than his name and date of death, nothing personal like date of birth, age, home, anything. I'm proud of that. That way, he remains the angel I always saw him as. No one can say something mean about him, no one knows him. People can't say anything other than they feel with my loss. I like that. I think it's an honerable way to remember him.
Max was the most imperfect boy I've ever met, and that is what made him so god damn perfect. He knew he wasn't perfect, he admitted and understood, and he looked himself in the mirror every morning anyways. What he didn't see, was, that his imperfection made him perfect. I never told him I thought that way about him, our relationship wasn't like that - we never gave each other compliments or so..we just listened and understood - but somehow today, I wish I did. Maybe it would've changed something. Maybe it would've made him happy. He was intelligent, probably the smartest guy I've ever known, and beautiful..he was focused on every project he started, he was loyal, and he was a great listener. He was so incredibly brave that I couldn't understand it, all the things he went through and even though he kept his head held high until the very last second. In a note that a person read outloud to me on the phone, he claimed that no one ever was the reason for his suicide; he was simply tired of this world, tired of sadness and loneliness, and he didn't think he could ever truly be happy here. He apologized to me, and told me to always just be happy, even though he couldn't. And he wrote he looked forward to meeting God. Max believed in God, he believed in something better after death. That is what inspired me, and made me religious as well; I just believe in Buddhism.
Max was the friend I had always missed out on. He was that friend that I needed, just to be happy. He was the one friend, that came to me when I was in distress. He pretty much fell down from heaven..and he listened. He listened to all that I had to say to him, even though we didn't know each other.. And he understood.. He gave me the advice, to just always be happy. Back then, about two and a half year ago, I didn't understand. I didn't see how I could 'just always be happy'. But now I've passed that advice on to so many. It's the smartest thing I've ever heard, honestly. Because if you can be happy, even though everything is miserable, then everything isn't that miserable anymore. It may be hard to understand...but it makes perfect sense, and it is true as fuck. I took that advice in, not knowing how to always be happy, and today I use it every day.
Truth is, there is no way to always be happy. There will always be times when you're down, and nothing can really cheer you up. But throwing yourself on the floor, letting yourself be sad, isn't very helpful. You have to figure out a way to be happy. That's what Max taught me; to be happy. I know how to be happy now. I've come so far since last year, I've gained so much knowledge, confidence, and happiness. I've been to hell and I've been to heaven during the past year, and I suppose that's a part of life. But when you learn how to be happy, even though you are in hell..then you are truly blessed. I'm going through hell now..and right now..I'm happy. It's rough, but I'm happy. Therefore, I am satisfied with myself, my life, and everything else.
So today, on the anniversary of his suicide, I'm passing on to you what Max didn't understand himself.. Just always be happy. It's not impossible.
To prove my point, and to make Max proud and show him that I'm trying to just always be happy, I'm not staying home today. I'm not staying here crying and mourning. I'm going to spend the day with family and friends at a funpark, where I'm going to see my boyfriend's band do a concert, too. And I can't wait. I love you, Max. I'm just always happy when I think of you, because you taught me how to. The song I posted today will always be our song, you showed me the band, and it was the first song I listened to after I heard about your suicide. I'm not angry, or disappointed. I understand. Just like we both always did. This is our sad goodbye, but it's not a bad goodbye.
All the people stepped back when a young man walked by!
The song of the day is Young Man Blues by The Who. This a really awesome song, by a really awesome band, and it seems to somehow cheer me up a bit, and I definitly need that right now. Anyways, I don't have that much to share, because I'll be writing a lot tomorrow..so I guess I'll just end now, with the message: Today all the old men's got all the money! And, this is an awesome song, with awesome lyrics, and an awesome rythm. Did I mention that it was awesome? Lol.
The song of the day is With The Wind by Yiruma.. It is actually 'just' a piano-piece..but it's very beautiful, and it helps me a lot right now.. It makes me relax and breathe deeply, which I seem to have some problems with right at the moment, because of a day that is coming over me a little too soon.
28th of April 2011, my best friend Max killed himself. It broke my heart, but I've learned so much from it. I've learned to be happy. Though, these days are tough, I try to wake up and smile, and embrace what every new day has to offer me. And, after all, I am not alone, I have realized that now. I have my friends to support me through these days..and I think I'll start using it, instead of pushing them all away at the moment. It's hard to keep everyone out of my life, when all I really need is someone who cares.. Maybe I should reconsider what I'm doing.
None of that ever seems to matter when I'm holding you.
I would like to change the song of the day. Earlier, it was When You're Gone, but now it is You Had Me At Hello by A Day To Remember. If I've learned one thing today it's that I should never post a song of the day in the middle of a fight with my boyfriend. I've also realized that I can't live without him, and I want to marry him right away, stupid or not. I never want to be seperated from him, ever.
When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you..
The song of the day is When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. This explains my current situation, and what I'm going through. It's the saddest yet most beautiful piece of music I can think of right now.
The song of the day is I'm Eighteen by Alice Cooper. I don't really have any sort of special story to tell you, I just really love this song, and I thought I'd share it with you. It's definitly my favorite song by Alice Cooper, which is a band I really listen to a lot. I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do!
'Cause you're the one for me, and I'm the one for you..<3
The song of the day is Perfect Two, and I'm dedicating this to my incredible best friend and boyfriend, whom has been with me for the last three days, and whom I love more than anything else. I really honestly can imagine myself marrying him, having kids with him, and growing old with him.. He's just so perfect, and we're perfect together.. I love him.. Every second away from him feels like a million years. I don't know what to do without him in my life, he's what makes me happy and gives meaning two the word 'love', he's the one that my heart beats for, and he's the best friend I've ever had, honestly. I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust him, I've learned so much about love and friendship through him, and I've also learned a lot about myself.. I've found that not everything has to be perfect for me to be happy, I've found that I'm never ugly or unimportant, and I've learned that it's ok to be me - he loves me for that.
He's, like, my dream guy.... He's all I've ever wanted. He's sweet, caring, nice, get along well with my family, he's thoughtful and romantic, sensitive, emotional, and just simply perfect..I've never met someone whom I just saw so perfectly. I know his flaws, and I know that they are a part of what makes him perfect. Every little thing about him makes him perfect.. It's so..amazing!
I've never felt as loved as I do right now. I love you, too, Sigurd.
And to every single one out there, that doesn't think they're not good enough; you are. You may not see it, but there will always be someone in your life that loves you, and that you mean a lot to. One day you'll find that special someone that makes you see yourself with completely different eyes, that makes you see yourself as a strong, beautiful and talented person..and you'll learn, that it's ok to be you - you're good enough. No one can ever tell you differently.
The song of the day is Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. This has always been my favorite Elvis-song, and my favorite lovesong.. Actually, Elvis has made all of my favorite lovesongs - I just really love his voice, it makes me think of love.. Anyhow, I've chosen this song, because this morning, I woke up, and I realized how much I love my boyfriend.. I realized what he means to me. You see, tonight, I dreamt that I married him.. And when I woke up, I got so..heartbroken, to find, that it was just a dream.. And even worse, he wasn't even with me.
I can't wait to see him again. My heart aches every second I am away from him. Every time I see him get onto the train, I get all teary, and can't do anything but cry.. I feel so shallow when he's not with me. I feel like I cannot truly be happy until he's with me again.
This boy has done so much for me. He has saved my life, honestly. When I met him, I was rather happy on the outside, but inside, I was slowly breaking, because my current boyfriend was depressed and didn't really want anything to do with me.. Sigurd helped me, he made me happy, and made me laugh more than I had ever laughed before; he made me smile when I had almost forgotten how to. And so, I fell in love, without wanting to.. Eventually, I took the chance to break up with my current boyfriend, and tell Sigurd about how I felt.. So a few days later, I asked if we could go on webcam, and so we did, and we had an amazing night! And I realized how madly in love I actually was. I realized, that I had never been in love before, if this was being in love. I had never felt such a strong feeling. And I told him, and he felt the same way..and for the first time in ages, I was truly happy.
Since then, he has helped me more than he is even capable of understanding. Almost six months of being in love; I've never been in love for such a long time before. Honestly, I don't think I've ever really loved before Sigurd. I've never felt this way about someone before. I don't even know what to write about him any more. I can never explain to anyone how much I love him. How much he has done for me. How perfect he is to me..
When he holds me close in his arms, and kisses me on the top of my head, and I feel his warmth and love..I'm just..happy. When I wake up next to him, with the sun pouring through the window down on his beautiful skin, and he is still sleeping, I can't help but cry from happiness, because he is just so amazingly beautiful..and he's mine. This, the most perfect person I have ever seen, is mine. He loves me, he cares for me.
He makes me feel all of the things, that no one else has made me feel before. He makes me feel beautiful, sexy and smart, he makes me feel like I have a purpose in life and that I can reach my goals, he makes me feel confident and good about myself.. He makes me feel good enough. He makes me feel loved. I can never thank him enough for that.
Thank you for reaching out when I needed it the most and saving my life. Thank you for letting me love you, and thank you for never letting me go even though I pull you through some rough things. Thank you for being there and listening no matter what time it is. Thank you for loving me, and making me feel loved.
The song of the day is Casey Jones by Grateful Dead. I stumbled across Grateful Dead the other day, and then I heard this, and I was crazy about it right away. I think it's an awesome song, and it makes sure that I'm in a good mood. So I like it, a lot, lol. A lot of Grateful Dead's other songs are also really awesome, but I haven't listened to so much yet.. All I know, is that they played from mid 60's, to mid 90's, and I love their music. I love that psychedelic rock thing, I just can't stop listening to that kind of music at the moment. Anyways, that's all I had to share today; a song and a band that I find really awesome!
The song of the day is Kissing You by Des'ree.. "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty till this night," - William Shakespeare. If you have seen the 'Romeo + Juliet'-movie, then you should definitly remember that line, and this song, since the line was said by Romeo as he watched Juliet dance, and the song played in the background.
This is the strongest movie I've ever seen about love. I've never been as captivated by a lovestory, as by Romeo and Juliet. Already as a child, I heard the story about Juliet and her beloved Romeo, and how he drank poison as he thought she was dead, and she stabbed herself with a knife as she woke up to find Romeo was no longer alive. Back then, I was already captivated. The first time I saw this movie, I begged for them to make it, even though I knew the ending all along - and by then, when the film ended, I could not stop crying. Since then, I've seen it about 10-20 times, and I never get tired - I know it all in my head..most of the wellknown lines I can repeat. It's just so..strong..and beautiful..
I chose this song, because every time I have been watching this, I've been thinking about, if I would ever find true love. If I would ever fall in love with someone the second I saw them, and looked them in the eyes. I almost gave up on finding that kind of love - that only happens in beautiful movies and books.. But then, nearly five months ago, I cammed with this boy..and even though it sounds silly..I fell deeply in love with him the second I saw him smile at me, on my computer screen. I've been in love ever since. Today, he has been mine for four months..but I feel like it's four years - or forever. I feel like I've always known him, that somehow, I've always had him inside my heart, and known that I would find him one day. I've always..loved him. It's a strange feeling, but I enjoy it, every second. Somehow..I feel like I know, deep within my soul..that he's the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.. I believe in soulmates..and I believe he is the one.
He has just..saved my life, so many times. I can't do anything but thank him for that..and love him. And I most certainly do.<3
The song of the day is Perfect by Simple Plan. This is a song that hits me every time. It breaks down all of the walls I put up when it comes to my dad - it's just so true, and exactly how I feel. And somehow, whenever I feel like my dad doesn't understand me, this line repeats itself inside my head;
"And now I try hard to make it I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright";
and I feel the tears coming up my eyes, and my voice gives in, and I feel so incredibly weak. All I want is to make him proud of me.. I just..want him to like what he sees. I want him to be satisfied with me. I want him to focus on the things that I do right, and not the things I can't do right.. It hurts when he always says I'm wrong, and everything I do is wrong.. My friends are wrong, what I think is wrong, what I say is wrong..I'm just basically wrong all around.
He always disapproves. I feel like, whenever I want to tell him how I feel about something, or make him see a situation from my point of view, he's just thinking that I'm to dumb to have an oppinion..and he turns his back on me.. I can't handle it.. Why am I not good enough for him? Why can't I ever do something right? He always points out my flaws. That's all I ever hear when it comes to him. "Marie, don't do that." "Marie, you should do it like this." "Marie, that's not right." "Marie, why don't you do something else." "Marie, why can't you just do it right."
I'm sorry I can't be perfect, no matter how much I try.
'Cause then you really might now what it's like to have to loose.
The song of the day is What It's Like by Everlast. I've always had a very special feeling about this song..it's so true and it really brings up some strong emotions in me, but at the same time makes me calm a bit down, if I'm angry or hurt. That's why this is the song of the day.
You see, in life, there will always be someone who just won't like you. Usually, it's people whom doesn't know you at all. I have nothing left for these people anymore. They have hurt me too much, and I won't allow them to do it again. After all, you have no respect for human beings, if you use someones flaws against them, when they haven't said a thing to annoy you. Especially if you only know their name, and not even their story. Not from my point of view.
I know a few guys, that are like this. I've never done anything to them, and I suppose that is what makes it hurt; the things they say, the things they call me, the way the laugh and look down on me.
Anyway, I'll tell you the story behind the song of the day: Earlier today in school, my english teacher asked me, if she should use a specific word in a sentence, or if she could say something else; and I answered. She does this sometimes, because some things in english, I suppose I am more familiar with than her.. And I thought I'd share with my friends on facebook, because I feel rather smart when my teacher does that. First comment: lol.. It was from one of those boys. And so, two others joined them, and one of them was kind of..respectless. "Oh god :O Marie you are so great ! you little angel, it's great that you can make yourself look good on facebook....." - this was never my intention. My intention was sharing something that I thought was awesome? Another thing they wrote: "I think the teacher is a lot better sweety :)". Then, a guy that is like a brother to me, and whom is dyslexic, wrote a comment about I was better at english. Then, one of the guys wrote, that I was better at spelling. That pissed me off, so I finally replied a rather immature reply, I do admit that, about his immature behaviour. He then told me, I didn't know him. I then told him that I see him every day, I see the way he acts and I listen to the shit he says, and I didn't believe he could change completely whenever I wasn't there. And then, the nastiest reply got right back at me: "Isn't it immature to sit in a corner, and sob to get the girls attention? You are just weak and can't handle any problems by yourself." and he went on with the 'you don't know me'-thing. I quoted this song, and we ended up deleting each other. And so, I started deleting everyone on my friendlist, that has had a problem with me, or has talked shit to me. And I feel better now.
But I have one comment, about the 'sitting in a corner and sobbing'-thing: You can't imagine what I've been through..all by myself. I've made it without anyones help. And now, I've found out, that some of my girl-classmates wants to listen and comfort me, if I get sad during the classes in school - so of course I 'use' that, and I seek some support - but I'm not just sitting in a corner and sobbing all the time. I do it when I'm really down, and I need some comfort, and that does happen at times, because in my head, I'm not always able to carry around everything I've been through. Sometimes I start crying in class, if we start talking about death or something like that. And there is a reason for that; my two closest friends has died within the past year, and it takes some time to move on. But I'm not giving up. And I'm not letting go. And I'm not breaking down. And I am not weak. I'm a fucking survivor!
I hope you guys get my point with this; don't let anyone tell you what's right and wrong, and what you can do or can't do. If they know your name, and not your story, then don't bother. They're not worth it.
The song of the day is Be Mine by Robyn - but this version is by Ellie Goulding and Erik Hassle, and this is the version I prefer to listen to. But, well, I didn't choose this song because it has anything to do with my life right now..I know more than ever, that Sigurd is mine, and I am his.
I just thought I'd share this beautiful song with you, because it is so amazingly beautiful and fantastic. In my oppinion, after all. Anyways, enjoy this great piece of music, enjoy your Sunday evening, and be happy, even though life may seem tough and unfair. Keep your head up, aye?
The song of the day is Disposable Teens by Marilyn Manson! Finally something a bit more hardcore, lol, I haven't really been posting any songs from my "old taste in music" - back when I wore black clothes, had black eyeliner all around my eyes, and had black puffy hair. Yes, I have been there.
Anyways, this is a song I got to know back then, and it was actually my favorite song for a while! Back then - I think it was a year ago - I was crazy about The Blair Witch Project. So when I found out there was made a The Blair Witch Project || - Book Of Shadows, I had to watch it! This song was a part of the intro, it plays while you see the forest, in which the three young people got lost in the first movie.. After this, the movie starts, and I'm not going to tell you the entire movie; but check it out, it is absolutely mindfucking! Well, back to subject; I heard this song, and I thought it was soooo awesome! So I spend like forever, trying to find a tracklist of the soundtrack - apparently, Blair Witch || ain't very wellknown - and when I finally found it, I checked out every single song on the soundtrack, 'till I found this! I got really fascinated by Marilyn Manson (it was the first song I heard by him), and I started listening a lot to his songs - and since then, I've loved Marilyn Manson. At some point, he might be a very big inspiration to me - I mean, he is so fucking unique, that it's almost unbelieveable - and I feel very weird when I haven't listened to his music for a long time. I'm just so..used to listening to it.
The reason why I chose this song, is because it's Friday 13th today, and I came to think of this song, that was on the soundtrack of a horrormovie, lol. Plus, Marilyn Manson scares me a little bit..just a little bit. I also took the freedom to add a picture of me a year ago - it was a picture I found the other day, and I realized I never used it for anything - so I mistreated it a bit in picnik, and there you go.. Happy Friday 13th!
The song of the day is Bang Bang, originally by Cher, but this version is Nancy Sinatra. First of all, I'd like to apologize for the bad quality...I wasn't really able to find it in any better state.
Well...I have always had a very special and personal connection with this song, ever since I watched Kill Bill.. It really honestly gives me the chills, and I can't help but get all weird whenever I listen to it... It's so..amazing. So captivating. And Nancy Sintra is a very beautiful woman, whom goes well with the song, lol.
Anyways, I chose this, because today has been a weird day, and every time I'm having a weird day, I listen to this..and I get even more freaked out because of the feeling it gives me, but I also gets down to earth-like.
I don't know if this entry makes any sense to you..but it does to me. Well, let me end with a question; do you have any songs, that just gives you the strangest feeling inside, that you can't explain? If so, comment and tell me!
- Chiaki
(Btw, look at this awesome thingy I made today....)
The song of the day is Skinny Love by Bon Iver, but the version I chose is performed by Birdy. This is my new favorite song.. I heard it for about an hour, nonstop, yesterday evening. It made me think of an ex boyfriend, whom I somehow miss a lot. Or, I miss who he once used to be. Now he is no longer the happy boy I came to know.
It is a very emotional song, and also rather painful. The lyrics are rather exceptional, with lots of symbols and stuff, which makes this song very deep, and very unique. But what I think it's about, is a relationship that is falling to pieces, or ending. Somehow she still loves him, but he has hurt her so many times, that she is too disappointed to go on - though, she still tries, and prays that it will last. That's how I felt after one month with him, my ex - I knew it was falling apart, but I held on, and I didn't want to let go.. I prayed it would last, for just a year, I prayed I would get to experience nothing but love with him.. But it didn't work out that way. He was only able to see my flaws, even though I gave him everything. And so, I was only able to see my flaws, too. At last I broke to pieces.
Don't let love make you blind. Please. You're far too beautiful. /you know who you are
The song of the day is I Feel Better by Gotye. First of all, I want to say sorry for not blogging in ages, but I have had at little 'time off', since I found that I was too sad, tired and annoyed to write anything meaningful or good or interesting. That is one reason for choosing this song - it describes how I've felt lately. Everything has kind of been falling apart, both my friendships, my relationship, and myself.
Friday 30rd of March, my boyfriend arrived at my house, and he was to spent eight days with me, because of the very beloved easter-holiday. And that was just what I needed to get back on track. Eight days of falling asleep in his arms, and waking up to see his smile, and talking all day and night about everything and nothing..it has been amazing. And now I feel much better. Even though shit is still fucked up in my mind, at least I can smile and be happy again now. I believe I can go on for a little while again, lol.
Anyways..that was the biggest reason for choosing this song, which is about being sad and depressed, and then someone comes along, and changes it to the better. That's what my boyfriend did, and has done a lot of times now. He makes me happy. And I love him for that.
