The song of the day is Never Too Late by Three Days Grace. A year ago, I listened to this song, and I thought to myself, that for me, it was too late. A year ago, I was so depressed and lost, that it's not describeable. And today..everything seems so much brighter. It's really never too late to do something about your situation, and change for the better. I hope you enjoy this song. Stay strong, it's never too late!
The song of the day is Give You My All by Eyes Set To Kill. This song is dedicated to one of my ex boyfriends. Please don't misunderstand this, because this is not an attempt of getting him back, or cheating on Sigurd, or anything. This is an attempt of showing how sorry I am. How much I need his forgiveness.
In case you're reading this, don't get mad at me. I'm not trying to hurt you..I'm trying to..I don't even know.. Make you understand how much you meant to me. So please, keep reading. Finish reading. Just..please..
Life moves so quickly, and I really thought I had him moving with me. But for some reason, he just..wasn't moving along. He got stuck in this horrible situation, that I don't want to explain further, because of respect towards him. But, I just realized, that it's been ten months since my dream came true, and we started dating. I had seriously been waiting for that more than a year. Smart people say, that a crush lasts for four months, maximum. If it continues, you're in love. And I believe, that once you've started loving someone..you never stop. They'll always be a part of you, no matter how they treat you. Not that you're still in love, but, you love them somehow.
Unfortunately, we were only together for, like, two months..then it ended, because I gave up, because I met Sigurd. I always say that Sigurd is the best thing that ever happened to me. But now I realize, that I can't compare the two of them. Sigurd is definitly the person that has made me the most happy, and he's the one I love..but the other guy made me realize one of the most important things I've ever realized. That I needed to step up for myself, and take some fucking responsibility for my actions. I needed to stop being such a drama queen, and start focusing on being happy. And I did. Unfortunately, that meant, that I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore, because it didn't make me happy.
Before we went out, we were best friends. I used to listen to Teardrops On My Guitar every day, because he was dating my old bff, and..well, I was in love. I've claimed multiple times that I wans't really in love, but..I'm reconsidering..I was in love. I was. I don't want to be mad or denying anymore, I don't want to hang onto the stupid things he's done. He still has a place deep within my heart, that belongs to him, and no one else. No one can take that away, or erase it, or anything. I won't ever really get over him. I suppose he was my childhood love, as my crush started at the age of 13. I couldn't get rid of it, before he stopped being whom I fell in love with.
That's the main reason for the break up. He changed. He lost himself. I wanted to help, I really did, but he wouldn't let me. I loved him..I did..but he didn't want me to..what was I supposed to do? When I broke up, I told him, that I would always be his best friend. That even though all this happened, I would still be there for him. Any time he needed it. I tried to make him understand, that my intentions weren't bad, that I was not trying to hurt him..but he didn't listen. I tried as much as I could, but eventually, I gave up. And I'm sorry. I should've tried harder. Maybe, I wouldn't have lost him..
Today, I trembled across his facebook..you can see all his updates, without being friends with him..I scrolled down, back to September, and I remembered his smile, and his hug as I left, and his excited voice telling me he was scared, but it felt right.. It all came back to me.. And I realized all that I've written down by now.
The morale is, don't take the ones you love for granted. Don't pretend like you don't care, when you loose them. Don't pretend like you don't care when they find a new girlfriend, and move on, like you.. If it hurts, live it out. If you don't, the pain might just catch up with you some day. And it'll be even worse. Trust me - I know.... To end this tragic entry, I'll write something, that I wrote in my thought-notebook-thingy today.
Misery
I cry
My tears are wasted
Yet unlimited
Endless
I miss you
Your hugs and your comforting voice
Your wise insight in me
My inner self
It was exposed to you
I was so vulnerable
You kept trying so hard
To make me hold on
And in your struggle
You let go of yourself
You got lost
I tried so much but I couldn't find you
You were gone
The smiles and laughter
It was never the same
A part of you died
The part I loved
It just died
My tears will never end
Would it matter if I gave it one more try.. Would it matter at all?
The song of the day is Would It Matter by Skillet. I can't really tell you why - it just is. It's been stuck in my head since I woke up. This was a song that really motivated me to do something with my life..to make a change, and be who I wanted to be, back when I was unhappy..like..8 months ago, or such. It really hit me. I haven't listened to it in ages, so maybe it's actually good, that it was stuck in my head - maybe I just missed listening to Skillet. I hope so, after all. But I also have a message for you, whom a reading this, and whom might just relate to this song.. If you can relate it to your current life, then you're not really happy. Do something about it. If I could, then you can do it too. Stay strong, you guys.
The song of the day is Rusted From The Rain by Billy Talent. As you may know or remember (I've made an entry about it in May) I was in Copenhagen last night, to see Billy Talent live! It was amazing! This song was the most intense, from my point of view. It was really well-performed, and it's one of the songs that I remember the best. This, and definitly Devil On My Shoulder, and Try Honesty. When the concert was done, we walked around humming 'I've got the devil on my shoulder, over and over'. It was rather funny. But, well, it was an awesome concert, and I'm definitly going to see them again next time they come to Denmark.
The song of the day is Courage by Superchick. I'll start by saying, that I am happy, today. Really happy. Even though the song says the opposite, I am happy. I chose this song, because I've realized something important today. Everytime I've listened to this song, I've cried. I've always been able to relate to the feeling of being 'too fat', but I've never wanted to realize. I've always had this dream of being extremely skinny. Lately, I've started to listen to what people have said to me.. That I am skinny, maybe even too skinny. I've known for a long time, that I've been underweight, but I haven't admitted it, or done anything about it. I've continued to eat less and less, or at least tried to, and act like nothing was wrong. But there is something wrong, there has been something wrong, for a very long time. I've hated my body. I've never been skinny enough, to myself. Well, today, I've seen myself as too skinny. I've been looking at picturess of these beauiful, curvy women.. And I realized.. I want to look like them. I don't want to be an always-hungry, skeleton-alike person. So, starting today, I will do my best to gain weight, in a healthy way; not by junkfood, or candy, or such things, but simply by eating properly. I hope it will help.
There is two persons that I would like to thank for this outcome. Sigurd, due to what he has said, every time I've asked him, if he wanted me to be thinner; "actually, I wouldn't mind if you gained a little weight. I like curves." And my mom. She's been the one always filling me up with more food than I could eat, so that I wouldn't get too thin. She's tried a lot to make me realize how thin I am, and I realized that today, as well. So here it comes; a big thank you. Thank you, Sigurd, for letting me look at beauty with new eyes. And thank you, mom, for making me realize something important. I don't want to be like this. I don't want people to see my ribs when I'm wearing a bikini. I want to look like a woman. Starting from today.
Stay strong..we can make it through.
The song of the day is Fever Dreams by Circa Survive. This is a strange song, and when I woke up this morning, it was stuck in my head. I had fever, and I had had..the weirdest three dreams..ever.
In my first dream, I dreamt, that someone was planning to kill me. I can't explain how I knew, I just did. And I couldn't trust anyone, everyone seemed evil and full of hatred.. For some reason, it ended up with me, jumping off a rooftop, and whilst I was falling, I awoke. I wasn't scared, I was just..feeling weird. Quickly I fell asleep again, and dreamt the second, and worst, dream.
I dreamt, that I had gone shopping with my mom, dad, brother and aunt, and that my dad was talking to some man about a car or something like that. All of a sudden, my dad looked over at this shop, and saw, that there was pepsi or something on sale, and said, that I should go buy it for him, since he was talking. I tol my family, that I didn't want to go alone, but for some reason, they pushed me into doing it anyway. So I went into the shop, and immediatly saw some of the boys, that I used to go to school with; some of those, whom used to bully me. So I started walking faster, but they saw me, and started yelling my name. I started running, and all of a sudden, I ran into a lady. I apologized, but the lady seemed to be crazy or something, because she grabbed my neck, and pushed, so that I trembled, and fell with my face into the floor. When I opened my eyes, I saw four pictures laying beside me..one of a fetus, one of two lovers, one of a snake, and one of an apple. I was told by some sort of strange voice inside my head, to point out the one, that I liked the most. I pointed at the lovers, smiled, and thought of Sigurd, and was lifted out of my body. I saw myself lying on the floor, with blood around my head. People were screaming, and crying, and some of the boys that had been after me, ran out, and told my parents, that I was dead..and I realized, that no one could see me or hear me. I saw my parents breaking down in tears, and my view changed. I saw Sigurd, picking up his phone. At first, he seemed happy, but then his expression changed, and he started to cry and say, that it couldn't be true. After this, I saw several of my friends, doing the same thing. At last, I saw my fathers father sitting in a white couch, and crying, with a glass of redwine in his hand, and my fathers mother staring into the air. Then, I woke up. A voice told me, that I could do anything I wanted, so I got up..and everything turned white. I could walk into nothing for all eternity. And then, I really woke up.. I burst into tears, and called Sigurd, and realized I was alive. And..I felt so blessed.
After talking to Sigurd for a while, I hung up, and fell asleep again. I dreamt, that I was playing The Sims 2, and there was this big, new house in my neighborhood, that I didn't recall building, but I moved a family into the house..and all of a sudden, it was not the game anymore, it was me and two friends that was in the house. It was some sort of party/playground/whatever-house, with over a thousand teenagers in it. In the attic, there were girls tied up, saying that they were supposed to be dumped into the river, and all kinds of horrible things..and I left them. When I got downstairs, people started dying, and I saw this message on the wall.. "Chiaki is okay, after all" (in danish: Chiaki er sgu egentlig helt okay) signed with a name, that I know better than anything. The name of a boy I once fell for, and destroyed everything with. Since I knew he was in the house, I started looking for him, as people turned into zombies.. All over the walls there were these strange messages left by him, saying he was responsible, and I started hearing these crying baby-voices everywhere. At last, I entered a big, bright room, and I heard his voice. He told me to come to him, and I went through a door, and there he was. He told me everything was just an illusion, and a game he had created, and I started to cry, and then I woke up. And Fever Dreams was stuck in my head.
My dreams usually..tend to be nightmares. Like, horrormovies, where I have the leading role. But, they are also too bizarre to ever be real. They don't feel real, and I don't feel scared when I wake up. I know that it was a dream. But these three dreams..they followed me into my reality. And they've been stuck with me all day. And I have no idea what they mean.. It scares the shit out of me.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter; she is the best thing that's ever been mine!
First of all; my blog has had over 3000 views! Wow! Thank you guys for reading, and sharing, and whatever you do, I'm very grateful!
The song of the day is Mine by Taylor Swift. Today, I've been with Sigurd for six months, half a year. And he most certainly is the best thing that's ever been mine. I have nothing to say today, other than..you're amazing, Sigurd. I really..really..really hope I'll get to see myself in a wedding dress, standing next to you, one day. You're my best friend, and the best boyfriend I've ever had, and I want to spend my entire life with you. I love you, and thank you for the best six months of my life, so far.<3
Whereever it goes, I always know that you make me smile..
The song of the day is Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. Do you remember how sad I was yesterday, that Sigurd couldn't be with me tomorrow? Well, probably haven't read that entry yet, because it was written very late..but, well, it said that I couldn't be with Sigurd on the we've been together for six months, and that made me very sad, and this whole long distance was a lot harder than it seemed. And then I shared this sad song, about long distance. But, today, I want to share a happier song with you, because that's what I am today. Sigurd called me about 30 minutes ago, and told me, that he was on his way to Funen (where I live) to see me. To be with me tomorrow, because it's so important to me.
Whoever controls our world, I want to thank him or her or that for bringing me into the arms of the most amazing boy that has ever lived on this planet.. Yes, he has his flaws.. But it doesn't make him less perfect, to me. I love him. I love you, Sigurd. Thank you.<3
The song of the day is Long Distance by Bruno Mars. As you all know, my relationship with Sigurd is long distance. And it's killing me. Honestly. A lot of people ask me if it's hard, and I try to be brave, and say, that it's not as hard as you may think.. You get some time to miss each other, and you can always talk on skype or phone. But..it's just..not enough. I cry too often, because I can't have him with me. It's tough feeling that someone is your only one..and you only get to see this certain someone once in a while, for three days.. So, it's not as easy as I tend to make it sound. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, honestly.
On Monday, we've been together for six months. Half a year. It's been the best time of my life.. But..on that certain day..I cannot be with him, because of this distance. Because of the miles seperating us. Six months is a big deal to me. And it's killing me, that I can't be with him. I wish I could just..move.
The song of the day is Slow It Down by Amy Macdonald. I just saw an advertisement for her new album 'Life In A Beautiful Light' on Spotify, and I thought I'd give it a listen..and it's actually really great. I think her voice is unique and very beautiful, and I must admit, that I've got kind of caught up by the songs I've heard so far. It's just really..I really like it. So I thought I'd share it with you - I hope you'll enjoy as well.
Stay strong and take chances - you might just get lucky and discover something new!
The song of the day is What If I Died Tomorrow by About Last Night.. Entry #100, say congratulations!
Just a moment ago, I wrote the most depressing entry ever. And I deleted it.. Because I don't deserve to be sad, and neither do you. So I decided to share this song instead, and an important message. Think about the ones you love.. What if they died tomorrow?
When you begin to argue, solve the fucking problem. Now. It may be the last time you'll ever talk to them. Don't destroy it.. Please.
The song of the day is Rockstar by Nickelback. This is the song of the day, because it's been stuck in my head since yesterday.. I just.. Can't get it out? I can really relate to this. Well, I once could, after all. Once, I wanted to live by doing music, rockmusic. I wanted to be a female rockstar, and live in Beverly Hills, and be rich and famous. I never wanted to get married, and I hated kids more than anything. I wanted to live wild, and drink and smoke weed and be uncontrolable. What the fuck happened?
Now, I just want to stay right here in Denmark, get married, and have three kids. I don't like to be drunk, in fact I hate it, and I really couldn't imagine myself smoking weed. Sure, I want to make movies or be an actress..but because I love doing it. Because cinemas and theaters are my favorite places to be. I feel safe and home when I'm at those places. Everywhere I go, I plan movies based on the first thing I see; such as a bench, a tree, or a closed shop. In five minutes I've written a script inside my head, and I've seen the whole movie.The only reason for becoming a rockstar was fame, and that I could get people to think with my songs. And money. And every girl I ever wanted. And bigger boobs (yes, I've wanted to get fake breasts). I don't want to make movies because I get rich, or famous, or anything like that. I can easily live without it. I don't want a mansion, or fifteen cars, or anything like that. I can live without it, so why would I want it?
Do you want to know what happened? I met this guy, and I fell in love. He taught me the value of just being alive, and being loved. That's what happened. I don't need money or fame to be happy. I just need love.
The song of the day is Who Are You by The Who. This is also a question, that you can ask yourself. "Who am I, really?" Maybe you'll find, that you're more than you thought you were. Today, that's what I found. Say congratulations on the A+ for english finals. <3
First of all, I want to say I'm sorry. I've been really bad at remembering to blog, but I've had so much that I needed to get a hold on, like the finals, my new facebook, and my boyfriend whom I've had a lot of fights with recently. But, well, I got it all pretty much sorted out, all I need now is to prepare for the three last finals, and enjoy my vacation, and look forward to starting on the Tietgen-school in August, my dream school.
But, well, the song of the day is Brielle by Sky Sailing. I don't really have a lot to say about this song, other than that I've loved it ever since the first time I listened to it, and that's pretty much why I chose it. Music is one of the things I want to bring into my 'new life'. You see, I'm not sure if you've all noticed, but I'm changing everything in my life right now. From facebook, to friends, to hobbies..I'm changing it into how I've always wanted it to be. I'm finally taking the last step to be happy. I've gained love, confidence, and peace with my family (see; parents), and all I need..is some control of my life. Some hobbies, other than playing The Sims 2, some habbits other than brushing my teeth. I need some structure. And the change has begun.But of course I like some of the things that are in my life now; like my taste of music. I will definitly not change that, I will take it with me into my new life.. And I will start singing again. Once, I did that all the time. Actually, ever since I was 4 years old, I've told everyone that I wanted to be a singer. I also used to write my own songs and everything.. But for some reason, it just stopped. I guess people kept on telling me I sucked, and I was too insecure back then, to hold on to it. Now, I think I've found..like..my 'voice'. My boyfriend has been allowed to listen, and some few classmates..and since none of them said anything negative, I believe I might just have the courage to share my singing with others? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see.
Now, to something else, that I want to do: I've bought a notebook. A simple, light-blue notebook, with a parrot and some butterflies on it, and a black ribbon to keep it closed, so that the pages in it doesn't get bend. I want to write in it. Poetry, or thoughts, or whatever you can call it. When I was 13, I had a lot of thoughts that I had to get out of my head, so I started writing them down, and it turned into songs and some sort of poetry..now, I want to do it again, but it will be about how it feels to start over, and about my new life, and what happens, and what I think about. Like a diary, I guess. But not in details like that. Maybe, I'll share some of it with you once in a while, and ask for some response. I think I'll start right now.
On the first page in my notebook, I've written this thingy, that I've called 'letting go', that is based on my current feelings. I hope you'll give me some sort of response, but please, be nice. This is very personal.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand..
The song of the day is Breathe by Taylor Swift. I really truly love this song, but I have nothing to say right now, that is not completely depressing. So I just thought I'd share this amazing song, that really..really..describes my current state of mind. Stay strong, we can make it through.
