You'll never close my eyes, you'll never close my eyes and watch me die!
The song of the day is This Suffering by Billy Talent. I'm going to see Billy Talent live on June 23rd, when he comes to Denmark, in Copen-fucking-hagen. It's going to be legen - wait for it - dary! That's all I had to say today. Stay strong.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!
The song of the day is My Black Dahlia by Hollywood Undead. I don't know why. I guess I'm just..fucked up. This song has been stuck in my head the entire morning, and I just..don't know why. It's killing me. This song is very..special to me. I'm sorry.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
The song of the day is Glitter In The Air by P!nk. I've always thought this was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard, the lyrics are just so god damn perfect. This song really always makes me think, and somehow makes me figure out, wether I'm happy or sad.
Lately, I've been standing at this kind of crossroad, not knowing what to do. As I've said before, this blog is my escape..it's a place where I can let go of my thoughts, and get them out of my head. It's a place where I can tell someone else about my ups and downs, how I feel and what I'm dealing with. And somehow, I feel like all of my readers have somehow become my best friends, and yet, my worst enemies. You know a lot more about me, than I would tell people in real life, and it scares me a bit.
But well, back to the crossroad-thingy; I've considered deleting my facebook. Not for attention, but so that I can make a new one, where all of my past does not exist. I've been considering wether I want to delete my past and simply forget, or try to live with it. I just..don't know. 9th of August I will start on a new school, with new people, whom don't know me. I don't want them to go see my facebook, and look at how I once was, and maybe judge me because of that.. It's a great fear I have right now..
Honestly, I just want to say that I don't care. That I don't care what these people think, that I don't care if these people judge me on behalf of who I once were. But I can't. I do care. I'm going to spend three years with these people, and I don't want these three years to be the same as the last 10 years of my education. I've never felt welcome in my class, I've never felt like I was a part of the unity in the class. I've always felt like..like I was the enemy, you know, and everyone were against me. I just..don't want the next three years of my life to be like that..
Therefore, I want them to see me for who I am now, and not know anything about whom I were, what I did, and how stupid I was.. But.. It's hard. To just delete everything. I think they'll get to know one day anyways. I can't just pretend like it never happened. But I mean, my facebook is like..the past four years of my life..that I'm going to delete. It's mainly the pictures and shit that I want to get rid of. And all of the fake friends I have, and the people I don't know. My facebook is just..out of control. It's not me. And I don't want it. But I don't want to delete four years of my life, either. I don't want to delete all of the conversations and memories.
Too much all at once, that's how you got so ungrateful..
The song of the day is Imaginary Enemy by Circa Survive. I dedicate this song to an ex boyfriend of mine, whom hates me...well, for no reason at all. I am his imaginary enemy. Last night, he found his way into my blog, unfortunately. He commented on my entry about getting engaged, and said a lot of nasty things about my past, that I don't really want to think about or remember, because I don't want to live in the past, and because I don't want to be the person I was back then. I want to forget, which is why I deleted the entry - I don't want anything like that on this blog, which is my search for happiness. But, well, he wrote all those shitty things, even though I thought he had given up on that kind of harassment, after forcing me into deleting my old, inactive blog, because it had stories about our relationship, which he just really hated - you know, the relationship - and which made him sick. I also wrote an entry when I broke up (which I did, because I was about to get a depression from being with him, and I didn't want that), because I still 'loved' him - I'm sorry, I didn't know what it felt like to love someone back then, before I met Sigurd. Basically, I was a completely different person back then - people whom was close to me back then, and whom is close to me now can confirm that. I was a lying, cheating, wheeping, bitching, attentionseeking, fat, ugly, stupid, immature girl, who thought I knew it all, but just had a serious problem with getting depressed. It's not like it's my own fault I turned out that way - a lot of people has helped me. But finally, this exboyfriend gave me the final kick to start changing. He tried to commit suicide, and I just..saw someone I once was, in him.. I saw the immaturity, the stupidity, the helpless person who just suffered every day, and couldn't get up. And I decided, that I did not want to be that person ever again. So I tried to be happy - but is was hard, when the boy (I thought) I loved acted like he hated me, suddenly wanted to have sleepovers with other girls, and didn't tell me a thing about how he felt about anything. He cut me off, and I was not a part of his life. He started hating me, when all I did was try to be everything he wanted and needed. My heart broke, and then I ran into the arms of a guy whom could fix it, and I took the motherfucking chance. I am so fucking sorry, okay? But I just.....I wanted to be happy. And I thought, 'if not now, not ever', and so I went for it, and i did get happy. I learned what it means to love, I learned what it means to get your broken heart fixed, I learned what 'love at first sight' means. I started this blog, and I started loving - and not just Sigurd..me, myself, my family, my friends, the entire world was suddenly brighter, because I took that chance. So I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that I am happy now, and I didn't manage to pull you up with me. I know I was supposed to be your best friend, that I was supposed to stand by your side, help you, be there for you, and never leave you.. But, hey, what could I do? "I've tried so hard to be what you needed.. I'm your imaginary enemy. I've tried for so long to make you believe it..that I am not the enemy" - but you just wouldn't believe it. I'm sorry, I gave up, and I quit. I hope you'll someday be happy. I hope you'll some day understand, that I've changed. And no, I have no intention of breaking up with Sigurd, or cheating on him..just for your information.
Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side!
The song of the day is I Wouldn't Mind by He Is We. Instead of coming up with a big explanation to start with today, I'm just going to be straight out; Sigurd proposed. And I said yes. This may be suprising to a lot of you.. You may be thinking 'but, but, but; she's only nearly sixteen?'. And yes. But age does not define a thing. Legally, I can be married in two years, but that's not why I said yes. And I didn't say yes, because I'm only thinking about marriage. I said yes, because to me, this is a promise.. A promise of how I will never leave his side, and how I will never give up. A promise about how I'll always love him. You see, I think, that when you've first begun to love someone, you never stop. You can never just stop loving someone. It's the same thing with marriage - till death do you part. I don't believe in divorces, I believe, that if you've married someone, and given them that promise, you don't ever let them go. The human heart is capable of so much more than we think, it can sustain almost all kinds of damage, when it comes to love. Loving someone, is the same as never giving up on them, never letting them go, and never stop loving them. Max taught me that in the first place, because no matter how much I wanted to hate him for giving up on life, I was never able to. I just couldn't. And Sigurd has proven his point - no matter how many times I've wanted to break up and let go..I couldn't. And I just..feel..and know..that I'll never be able to do that. I'll never be able to stop loving him. If he leaves me one day, that's his choice. But even though forever seems far away..I feel like I can almost relate to that word.. Forever. It's a long time, but I definitly wouldn't mind waking up to see Sigurd every morning. I wouldn't mind getting married to him. I wouldn't mind having his kids - and that says a lot, because before I met him, I swore I'd never have kids. I love this guy, this man. And I hope he'll wait the two years it takes for me to become a woman - his woman, and hopefully, his bride.
The song of the day is Shelter by The xx, but this version is a very beautiful cover by Birdy, you know, one of my favorite artists. I've chosen this song, because somehow, it reminds me of what I've gone through with my boyfriend.. It hasn't always been pure perfect, as many people think. Whenever I've told someone about my wants to break up with him, everyone's been like 'oh no, don't, you're so perfect together!'. And I guess we are, to you. But not to me. And probably not to him either. And that what makes me love him.
Our relationship reflects life. Not everything is perfect, not everything is great and amazing. Sometimes, it all falls apart, and everything is shit, and you can't do anything about it. The art of living, is keeping yourself together while this happens. And so I believe, this is also the art of my relationship with Sigurd. Staying together, even though everything is falling to pieces, because in the end, life is made for living, and love is made for loving, and we are going to be ok. I suppose.
On the outside, some of you may think things are perfect. They're not. Last thing I want to say, is that the song of the day is dedicated to my boyfriend.. Thank you for staying and never letting go, even though we slip away from each other at times, and I'm hard to deal with. I love you.
I can feel every second of every hour, every day..
The song of the day is These Things by Chase Coy, because it just truly fits my feelings at the moment. There's so many things I'm looking forward to; like my new school, learning chinese, the future I'm planning with my boyfriend, turning 16, and I'm looking forward to ... well, everything that happens during the upcoming summer vacation, and afterwards. I just can't wait, I just want to speed everything up.. Time is moving so slowly right now.. I know that you always say, that you should live in the moment..but right at this moment, there's not anything that is more exciting, than what's coming up. Right now, I'm just waiting. I'm sorry if it's disappointing, but that's the ugly truth. Right now, I'm living in day dreams of the better life I'm going to have, when I start going to 'high school'/whatever, at August 9th. Ever since I found out I got into the school I've been dreaming of..I haven't really been able to think about anything else. I just....can't wait. It's like the situation with my boyfriend right now..we're talking and talking about a future, but it's just so far away. I mean, I'm ready to pack my stuff and move in with my boyfriend tomorrow..but he has to finish high school, and I have to start, and of course, the schools we are attending are placed near to where we live; which means, far away from each other. And that means, that I'll have to wait another two years. I wish time didn't have to move so slowly.. "I know these things take some waiting, but aren't we told that all the time?"
Now, I know a lot of people are probably going to be a bit disappointed, but the song of the day is Boyfriend by Justin fucking Bieber. I know, I know, Justin Bieber?! But yes, Justin Bieber. Why? Because I actually like this song. I've never been a fan of Justin Bieber (well, his first songs, but I was 12 back then, don't blame me), but I think his voice has changed a lot, to the better. Also, the hairstyle he has now makes him look a lot more masculin, but I guess that has nothing to do with his music (or maybe a bit). Anyways, do you think Justin has changed? For better or worse? Do you like him, or dislike him, and for how long?
If his upcoming songs are going to be like Boyfriend, I think I might actually start to like this guy.
The song of the day is I Write Sins Not Tragedies på Panic! At The Disco. I've always loved this song, right from the first time I listened to it. It's not just an awesome song, but it also has a very amazing music video, and I really appreciate that.
Unlike a lot of other people, I do not think this song is about marriage or anything; I think that's just a metaphor. What I think this song is about, is people talking behind your back. That even though you should act mature, like it never happened, it can sometimes be hard to just let is pass, and maybe drink it down or such: "pour the champagne". This is the meaning of this song, to me, and I actually got it from the "What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding," says a bridesmaid to a waiter, "and yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore"-line. I mean, the bridesmaid is supposed to be a dear friend of the bride, but this girl obviously isn't. So I suppose the whole song is a reaction to people talking behind your back, due to the "haven't you people ever heard of closing a god damn door?".
Like I said, that's just what I can find in the lyrics. What kind of meaning you get, is of course up to you.
I didn't have a lot to tell you today..this is just..all I could find to share. Thank you for reading, anyways.
Just like a papercut..the little things hurt so much.
The song of the day is Papercut by Apollo Drive. I've always thought that this song was about a break up, but tonight, I understand it in a brand new way. A few minutes ago, I broke down crying, whilst listening to this very song, because it made me think of my boyfriend. How he's far away, how my bed seems too big without him, how his voice on the phone makes him seem even further away from me, how I keep imagining that he's right there beside me.. But he's not.. I miss him..I miss how happy he makes me, how he makes me laugh and smile..I miss his lips kissing mine, his hands holding mine, his eyes looking into mine, his body against mine..I miss it all. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. Just like a papercut, the little things do hurt a lot.
The song of the day is I Don't Want To Be Me by Amanda Clemens. A few minutes ago, I watched this video, and heard this song, and it really hit me, and I started crying. It made me feel a lot of strong emotions, because I've been in some of the situations myself.. So I thought I'd share it with you, and say; there's always hope.
