What you said when you left..

Just left me cold and out of breath.

The song of the day is Over You by Daughtry. I've, unfortunately, been spending a lot of time lately, thinking about what would've happened if I had stayed with my exboyfriend, instead of leaving him to be with Sigurd. I thought it would've been great, and we could've worked it out. Obviously, I wasn't over him, at all.

Yesterday, I went to a party..I had a few too many drinks, and got drunk. And my exboyfriend was there. So, we went outside to talk, and we talked and talked, laying in the grass, looking at the stars. It was very, very 'romantic'..I guess.. I thought I felt something, and I went home with him, and slept on his couch, so that we could talk in the morning, when I was sober.. And when I saw him this morning.. Nothing. Nothing at all. Just plain nothing. No feelings, no love, not even friendship. Everything I've ever felt for him..it's gone. It's a relief. Now, I know, that Sigurd is the only one, there's no feelings left, no dreams of a future, for any of my exboyfriend's. It's all for Sigurd. I'm finally ready.

- Chiaki

There's more than this mid-western town..

I can't let this place keep me down..

The song of the day is Take Me Away by Chase Coy, because there's some special words in this song, that makes me burst into tears; take me away to January, I'm done with this year - I'm tired of everyone here. Today, I just broke. I just finally let go, and gave up. And it affected me in a very, very unfortunate way. 

You see, everything is shit now. I'm just so fucking tired and depressed, and I can't stand the feeling of losing Sigurd every second of the day. It's driving me crazy. The only truly good things in my life right now, are my dearest friends at the moment, Naja and Patrick. I don't know what I would do without them..really. Stay strong, guys, we can make it someday.

- Chiaki

My love called me last night..

She said "if you don't change, I will".

The song of the day is My Love by Craig Owens.. I've chosen this song because it's so calm and beautiful, and it makes me relax, and take a deep breath. You see, I realized something today. I've changed. Over the past few weeks, I've changed. I'm just not the same person that I was during the last day of June. Something happened, that very last day. Something that changed me..the way I am, and the way I look at things. What happened, is not important - a few knows it already, and those are the people that are supposed to know. What has happened, is what is important.

I used to be insecure, always thinking about what others thought about me, always comparing myself to other people, and thinking I could never be as good, or clever, or beautiful as them.. The only thing I had, was Sigurd. I felt so secure, because I knew he loved me more than anything, and that he always would, and that he at least thought I was good enough. 

Now, it's the other way around. I don't care about what other people think I look like, or am like, or anything. I am myself, and I am beautiful to myself, and that is damn good enough. I am good enough. I really do think so. I've become much more careless about my appearence, like, I don't wear make up very often anymore, because I don't feel like I need it, when before, I thought I was ugly without it.

And it's not that that's not great, because it really is! It's just that..now I'm insecure about Sigurd instead. I don't know if he wants to be with me anymore, even though he says so. I don't know if I can trust him. And that sure is a bad thing.. What am I supposed to do?

- Chiaki

I don’t keep friends, I keep acquainted..

I'm not a prophet, but I'm here to profit!

The song of the day is At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used To Be) by Fun. I have honestly fallen in love with this song this evening - I've been listening to it for 3 hours or so, by now. I don't really have anything special to share, other than this amazing song by always amazing Fun. I'm in a lot better mood today, than I've been the last couple of days.

Stay strong, there's always a bright side to any situation!

- Chiaki

Can't you feel my heart beat slow?

I can't let you go - I need you in my life..

The song of the day is Everytime We Touch by Cascada, and it's dedicated to the love of my life; Sigurd. It's been seven months since he asked me to be his girl, and two months since he asked me to marry him.. It's incredible how quickly the months pass by. I've been looking at pictures from when we started dating today, and he looks so..I don't know. Young? He was a bit more immature back then, 8 months ago. Now he's all grown up and mature and smart and responsible.. He's changed, and so have I. It's not like I don't like the 'new' him..but I sure do miss the old him. He was a lot happier back then. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm the reason to why he's not as happy anymore.. I'm afraid he'll realize, and leave me. I'll be completely empty - I mean, he's my life. My past, present and future. I didn't live or love or smile before I met him. It's because of him that I'm happy.. I don't know what to do without him. I just...love him so much. Thank you for the best 7 months of my life, Sigurd.. I really do hope there'll come many more.

- Chiaki

But when I hold her too tight..

..I know she'll break - she just takes some glue to stay!

The song of the day is All Alone by Fun. The first time I listened to this song, I didn't like it - I only listened to the first 5 seconds, and pressed next. But a few weeks ago, I forgot to skip to the next song, and I started listening..and it was good. It was amazing! Now, it's one of my favoritesongs. 

It's just like first impressions. People say, that it takes about 30 seconds to figure out wether someone is nice or mean, romantic or player, dumb or clever, based on the first impression. Well, smart people know, that it takes a lot more than that - if everyone walks around, basing everyone they meet on first impressions..they'll probably never meet someone that sweeps their feet away. I believe, that often, your only one can be that girl on the bus that trembled, or that guy at the bar spilling his drink all over himself. Or it can be that person whom introduces themself nice and perfectly. You never know - and you don't know someone based on the first impression. You can base an entire friendship or relationship on the first 30 seconds. 

I'm sorry, you guys, I just needed to let out some steam - I've been talking to this guy today, whom was sure he knew if he could ever marry someone, after 30 seconds. God, it pissed me off. Anyways...I didn't take it out on him. I just stopped answering him.. I don't know if it's grown up, but at least, it's better than talking shit. So, I'm a bit proud. Or something.. Stay strong!

- Chiaki

It's a new dawn, it's a new day..

It's a new life for me - and I'm feeling good!

The song of the day is Feeling Good by Muse, simply because I'm feeling so fucking good, today. It's amazing how..happy, I am. I've never been so happy in my life. I can't explain it.. I'm just overwhelmed. I guess it's not impossible to be happy, even though you're in a shitty situation (read; Sigurd in France, missing him like crazy). Stay strong, you guys, and be happy!

- Chiaki

Oh, I've felt that fire and I've been burned..

But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned!
The song of the day is Crystal Ball by Pink. Because, this has always been my favorite song by Pink, and when I was 12-14 years old, Pink was my greatest inspiration. I listened to her music all the time, and I found comfort in it. Today, I'm sharing a song with you, that I've never really been able to relate to..not until now.. I understand this better than ever, today, on my sixteenth birthday. I understand, that life is confusing, life is a mystery, and life is not supposed to be understood. I'm just supposed to live it. I'm supposed to do what I want to do, and I'm supposed to follow my dreams. Right now, in this very moment, I truly believe, that I can achieve anything, if I really decide to. I can do everything. Everything is possible.. And it feels so god damn good!
For the past year, I've been trying to understand why I've been put through so much shit. I've been feeling like nothing good ever happened to me, and I was just the unluckiest person in the world.. But now I see it; the small things. Those little, tiny things, that makes my life complete. That makes my life beautiful. And I understand. I am finally truly grateful, for what I've been through. I've learned so much, and without all of that knowledge, I would never be able to do what makes me happy!
For the past three days, I've been at this movie-school-thingy, learning about movies, and making movies. I've been taught by professionals, that really liked my work, and told me I have a bright future with movies. That I am definitly one of those, that are talented enough to get accepted, and start that education. That I can really do it.
But, well, I made this movie with 'my' team, and it got...perfect. Amazing. Just the way I wanted. It looked so professional! And it was showed at this public event in a cinema and all, and the teachers gave us clapperboards.. And I did, as the only one, recieve chalk to write on the clapperboard. Now, I feel like I'm truly ready to begin making serious shortfilms, also because I've revieved a tripod for my camcorder and all, as a birthday-present. I've got it all (except a soundrecording device, but my camcorder luckily records sound as well). It's....amazing. I'm like; Cannes, I'm on my fucking way!
But, most importantly, I'm proud. I'm so proud of myself. I mean, in two years, I've went from black/brown, short hair, dark makeup, and nothing but depression, to long, blond hair, pretty much just mascara, and happiness and love. I don't drink or smoke like I used to, and I'm not cheating on anyone, or changing my boyfriend every week. My style is not just black clothes and leopard-prints anymore because that's what the scene kids wear, my style is me - it's what I find cool, and what I find comfortable. It's nice. I'm beautiful, and I'm happy - and I really think it shows. I'm damn proud of myself, for the first time in my life..and I really hope that you are, too. I mean, I sewed up my wounds with my own, bare hands. It was hard, but look at me now. The pain is gone, and I am able to truly smile, because without all of the pain, I never would've come this far. I wouldn't be this amazing person, that I've finally become. Welcome to the first day of my life.

- Chiaki

February 2011 - July 2012

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall..

I know you were on my side, even when I was wrong.

The song of the day is The Best Day by Taylor Swift, because today, it's my mom's birthday! Now, she's 41, and amazingly beautiful. Happy birthday mom, I hope you've had a great day!

Now, I want to apologize for not blogging at all, for some time now.. I've been a mess, lately, and I've been needing to get a hold on myself. So I've been a lot with Sigurd, and focused on him, and for the past two days, I've been making shortfilms. But now..I feel like I have my life under control again. I suppose. It's my birthday tomorrow, and I'll start the day by recieving gifts and my parents and brother singing and such - at motherfucking 5:30 A.M. And then, around 9:30 A.M. I'm off to finish the shortfilm I am going to show at a public event at 4:00 P.M. I seriously can't wait. Turning sixteen, getting presents, eating cake, and showing off my first shortfilm at an event - all in one day. It's going to be amaxing! So, because of that, I'm going to have to go now, or else I'm going to die tomorrow, because I'll get so exhausted. I mean, I need to record at bit more, put the entire film together, with the team, and make a poster, all in six fucking hours. It's...stressful. That's what I've learned the past two days, lol. Anyways...stay strong, you guys, your dreams may come true at some point, some day. I know.

- Chiaki

I don't know anything at all..

Who am I to say you love me?

The song of the day is Who Am I To Say by Hope. Lately, I've been feeling..down. And I've been feeling like there's not really anyone around to talk to. Not even my best friend.. I feel like he's not even my best friend anymore. Like, I won't know if he'll be there for me when I need it. Eveyrthing seems so perfect on the outside, but on the inside, it's breaking into pieces. It's hard to deal with. So I guess that's why I haven't been very good at updating. I haven't really been in the mood, I haven't had anything positive to share. I'm sorry. Stay strong..I will, too.

- Chiaki

She's just a loner with a sexy attitude..

And I'd like to phone her, 'cause she puts me in the mood!

The song of the day is Five Colors In Her Hair by McFly. Not for any reason..it's just been stuck in my head, and it's been a while since I've listened to McFly. I used to really like them a lot, a couple of years back..so I thought I'd just share this awesome song with you. It always puts a smile on my face! By the way, do you like the new design? I thought it needed a change, since everything else in my life is changing right now.

- Chiaki