So empty.. But if I keep them closed, then there's still a chance that something is out there!
First of all; this has taken an hour and thirty minutes to write, and has a deep meaning in the end, and is very important to me....so I would really appreciate it, if you would read it all..thank you.
Second of all; notice the amazing music video I have posted along with the song. It's made by a good friend of mine. He's amazing, and he makes me so'so'so happy! He's really talented when it comes to making movies. I love him, and I hope he knows. (I'm writing this because I've never really pulled myself together to tell him all this, and I'm really sorry about that. And since he has supported me a lot on pretty much every single problem I have had since December (and he is the one that made me listen to Circa Survive in the first place, which is the band that has made the song of the day), I thought it was about time.) I love you, Lasse. You are one of the best friends I have, and you are the one of my friends, that I probably trust the most. Now you know.
Anyways.....back to subject. The song of the day is Frozen Creek by Circa Survive, which is btw my favorite band. I chose this song, because it gives me the weirdest feeling inside. It makes me think, and it makes me wonder, and it makes me cry. I cannot figure out wether it's from happiness or sorrow. But it sure helps me.
I have been wondering what to write since Monday. Honestly, I've had the weirdest week ever. And there has been plenty of shit to write about. But it..just didn't feel right. There is one particular thing I've been wanting to write about..that I couldn't get mysel to write about. But since I only wanted to write about that, other things...didn't feel right. They didn't matter. Now they do.
I will now take you through my week, starting with a mystery, and ending up with an explanation.
Monday morning, I woke up, of course. And I came to think about something that happened on my vacation. And I thought I'd just find out a bit more about it...so I did. And it broke my heart. Now, that was the mystery-thing. I pulled myself together, and got up for real, and went to school. Later on, in school, my stomach started hurting....I had never felt a pain like that before, and I had to leave school two classes earlier than usual, because of the pain. The rest of the day, I was just laying in my bed, and couldn't stand up from the pain.
Tuesday, I want to school again, still with a broken heart, because my problem had not been solved yet. Later on that day, my stomach started to hurt again..and the rest of the day, I couldn't stand up from the pain. This evening, my broken heart broke again, as I came to think about how long it has been since I last saw my boyfriend..it hurts to be away. It hurts to know that I cannot just see him. It hurts more than anything..or, at least it feels like it. And I came to think about, if I can really stand this distance..because right now, it doesn't feel like it. I spend almost all night crying from the pain in my stomach, and the pains in my heart.
Next morning, Wednesday, my mom took me to see the doctor. He told me I had gained an inflammation of my appendix, and had to go to the hospital, to have an operation, where my appendix would be removed. And I know, that with an operation, comes scars..and I came to think about the current scars, covering my body. How I have ruined my own body. Destroyed it, and made it even worse than I found it was before.
I spent about 7-8 hours at the hospital, until my doctor eventually found, that my case wasn't bad enough, and so, he let me go, without any operation, or any more scars. And so, I thought about, what would have happened, if I had let myself go on without any scars..where I would be..
Thursday, I took a day of, on my mom's permission. She was worried I would get worse, and we had to go to the hospital again. So I stayed home..and I thought.. About Max..my dead best friend. How nearly a year has passed. And I cried. I cried like a fucking baby. I couldn't control myself. I..miss him..so fucking much..and so, I was reminded of Monday, and the heart that broke, and so the heart broke a little more..
Friday, aka yesterday, I found something scary was about to happen in my life. Or, I'm not sure, but I am afraid. An ex boyfriend of mine has returned to Denmark, after a trip to England...and I honestly thougt he'd stay there, therefore I felt safe. I had a lot of shit going with him when he left, and I am honestly fucking scared of him. I just hope he has forgotten about me, or has forgiven me. To forget about him, I went to a party. No drinking, because of my condition, and I found that I enjoyed the party a lot more, than when I was drunk. I got to have a proper conversation with a very sweet girl that I have wanted to talk to for a long time, and I got to dance without falling, and I got to meet new people without being embarassing, and 'too much'. So I believe this is how I will be spending most of the upcoming parties - nearly sober. Because I got to drink a little bit...but I didn't feel anything from it. So I guess you can say I was sober.
And so, we have come to today. Saturday. The day my heart broke for real. More than it ever has before. Today, I realized what the mystery was about..
I have another ex boyfriend. He knew just what my dead best friend Max pulled me through, with his suicide. And yet, he himself tried comitting suicide. I loved this boy more than anything..I had been in love with him for two years...but the day he did that...every single feeling I have ever had when it came to him...it died. And this, I realized today. This broke me. After his stupidity, I thought I still loved him...I became obsessed with the thought of loving him, and growing old with him, and whatever else that comes with that. And when I left him, because of everything, I thought he was the one.. I was still obsessed. So, I wrote an entry on my old blog, about how I was his, and no one elses, and it would be that way forever. He found out while I was on vacation, and asked me to delete everything about him, on that blog. And I did..but I created the blog again (yes, you can do that with blogspot) to read it one last time, and to delete it again afterwards....and I read the comment he wrote for that entry.. He wrote about how sick I was, how he hated me, and how he was never going back to me. And how "after all the things I pulled him through, he should've pissed on me". Excuse me, while my heart breaks...but...he was the one pulling me through the hardest thing I've ever been through...forcing me to looking him in the eyes, and pulling myself together, and standing by his side, even though I was dying inside.. At the end, I fell to my knees, pulling hair out of my own head, not being able to see from tears, and not being able to breathe from pain...and he pissed on me. I had been there for him for two years..and because I broke up..he cut me off. Suddenly, I was nothing. I had lost him forever. And now, he is saying, that after what I pulled him through, he should've pissed on me? Dude.....I feel the fucking same way.
Time heals all wounds, I guess. This will take years..but it will pass..like the regret from my cutting, the pain from my best friend's suicide, and the misery from being apart from the one I love. All this will pass, one way or another. All will pass. Just give it time.
Don't hate me because I'm not perfect, love me because I'm strong enough to look myself in the mirror anyways.
- Chiaki
No comments:
Post a Comment