Listen to all of this glass shatter..

It pierced my ears, and made them bleed..

The song of the day is Give You My All by Eyes Set To Kill. This song is dedicated to one of my ex boyfriends. Please don't misunderstand this, because this is not an attempt of getting him back, or cheating on Sigurd, or anything. This is an attempt of showing how sorry I am. How much I need his forgiveness.

In case you're reading this, don't get mad at me. I'm not trying to hurt you..I'm trying to..I don't even know.. Make you understand how much you meant to me. So please, keep reading. Finish reading. Just..please..

Life moves so quickly, and I really thought I had him moving with me. But for some reason, he just..wasn't moving along. He got stuck in this horrible situation, that I don't want to explain further, because of respect towards him. But, I just realized, that it's been ten months since my dream came true, and we started dating. I had seriously been waiting for that more than a year. Smart people say, that a crush lasts for four months, maximum. If it continues, you're in love. And I believe, that once you've started loving someone..you never stop. They'll always be a part of you, no matter how they treat you. Not that you're still in love, but, you love them somehow.

Unfortunately, we were only together for, like, two months..then it ended, because I gave up, because I met Sigurd. I always say that Sigurd is the best thing that ever happened to me. But now I realize, that I can't compare the two of them. Sigurd is definitly the person that has made me the most happy, and he's the one I love..but the other guy made me realize one of the most important things I've ever realized. That I needed to step up for myself, and take some fucking responsibility for my actions. I needed to stop being such a drama queen, and start focusing on being happy. And I did. Unfortunately, that meant, that I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore, because it didn't make me happy.

Before we went out, we were best friends. I used to listen to Teardrops On My Guitar every day, because he was dating my old bff, and..well, I was in love. I've claimed multiple times that I wans't really in love, but..I'm reconsidering..I was in love. I was. I don't want to be mad or denying anymore, I don't want to hang onto the stupid things he's done. He still has a place deep within my heart, that belongs to him, and no one else. No one can take that away, or erase it, or anything. I won't ever really get over him. I suppose he was my childhood love, as my crush started at the age of 13. I couldn't get rid of it, before he stopped being whom I fell in love with.

That's the main reason for the break up. He changed. He lost himself. I wanted to help, I really did, but he wouldn't let me. I loved him..I did..but he didn't want me to..what was I supposed to do? When I broke up, I told him, that I would always be his best friend. That even though all this happened, I would still be there for him. Any time he needed it. I tried to make him understand, that my intentions weren't bad, that I was not trying to hurt him..but he didn't listen. I tried as much as I could, but eventually, I gave up. And I'm sorry. I should've tried harder. Maybe, I wouldn't have lost him.. 

Today, I trembled across his facebook..you can see all his updates, without being friends with him..I scrolled down, back to September, and I remembered his smile, and his hug as I left, and his excited voice telling me he was scared, but it felt right.. It all came back to me.. And I realized all that I've written down by now. 

The morale is, don't take the ones you love for granted. Don't pretend like you don't care, when you loose them. Don't pretend like you don't care when they find a new girlfriend, and move on, like you.. If it hurts, live it out. If you don't, the pain might just catch up with you some day. And it'll be even worse. Trust me - I know.... To end this tragic entry, I'll write something, that I wrote in my thought-notebook-thingy today.

Misery
I cry
My tears are wasted
Yet unlimited
Endless
I miss you
Your hugs and your comforting voice
Your wise insight in me
My inner self
It was exposed to you
I was so vulnerable
You kept trying so hard
To make me hold on
And in your struggle
You let go of yourself
You got lost
I tried so much but I couldn't find you
You were gone
The smiles and laughter
It was never the same
A part of you died
The part I loved
It just died
My tears will never end

- Chiaki