So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?..
The song of the day is Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri. Today, I'm going to write something about letting go of who you once were, and previous relationships, and it's going to be a big confession, and I will be 100 % honest..and you might get quite offended. You see, I'm not exactly innocent..I can tell you that. About a year ago, I was not very nice to guys, nor girls (yes, I'm bi), and I was not very 'hard-to-get', if you know what I mean. Back then, I was convinced I was just enjoying my life - though, I did not realize I was hurting a lot of people on my way.
Back then, I was a mess inside. My feelings were changing from day to day, and I was very confused. While this was going on, I was also depressed, and cutting. Every day was a struggle for me to get through..though, this is no excuse for what I have done; I have cheated on almost everyone of my past boyfriends.
I believe they all hate me today. I understand why. What I did, was not right. What I did, was more than wrong..it was evil. Back in July..a guy cheated on me..with one of my best friends. I experienced it myself, felt the feelings, saw cheating from a whole other perspective; and I will be forever thankful. If I hadn't experienced that, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I am still having a hard time, looking at myself in the mirror, asking myself "who did you think you were, as you ran around leaving scars?" - but I have a boyfriend now, that I would never ever ever cheat on. I don't want to. I have not even thought about it a second. And that calms me. It convinces me, that I am not that girl anymore, I am not the girl that left scars. I am a whole other girl today - a girl that sticks with her boyfriend, a girl that loves her boyfriend more than anything..I am the girl I want to be.
Frankly, a lot of people are not as convinced as I, and my closest friends, are. That is why I chose to do this confession. I'm not the girl I was a year ago, and I want people to remember that. I want people to believe that I have changed, or at least give me a chance to show them, before they judge me.
And to all of the ex's that I have hurt: I can never apologize enough. I can never say "I'm sorry," enough. I can never ever ever make it up to you. I just hope that you can, as well as I, let go of the past.
And I hope, that if there is anyone out there, who has also changed to the better after having a hard time in life, you'll be able to let go of who you once were, and forgive yourself. I am on my way.
I am still having a hard time, looking at myself in the mirror, asking myself "who did you think you were, as you ran around leaving scars?" - but I have a boyfriend now, that I would never ever ever cheat on. I don't want to. I have not even thought about it a second. And that calms me. It convinces me, that I am not that girl anymore, I am not the girl that left scars. I am a whole other girl today - a girl that sticks with her boyfriend, a girl that loves her boyfriend more than anything..I am the girl I want to be.
Frankly, a lot of people are not as convinced as I, and my closest friends, are. That is why I chose to do this confession. I'm not the girl I was a year ago, and I want people to remember that. I want people to believe that I have changed, or at least give me a chance to show them, before they judge me.
And to all of the ex's that I have hurt: I can never apologize enough. I can never say "I'm sorry," enough. I can never ever ever make it up to you. I just hope that you can, as well as I, let go of the past.
And I hope, that if there is anyone out there, who has also changed to the better after having a hard time in life, you'll be able to let go of who you once were, and forgive yourself. I am on my way.
- Chiaki
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