Don't be afraid, it's only love.

Love is simple..

The song of the day is Don't Be Afraid, You're Already Dead by Akron/Family. Because I have fallen in love with this song.

A really good friend of mine, and I, has quite the same taste in music, so he made me a playlist full of songs, that he was sure I would like (that really meant a lot to me, actually, I thought it was a beautiful gesture), and so I listened to it. And this song was on it - and I fell in love right away. I just can't stop listening to it..

What I want to share with you today, is actually something I wrote earlier today, when I was bored in school. It's sort of a really intense expression of my feelings, and it may seem sad, depressing, and confusing - I'm sorry about that. But here you go:

I guess I never realized. I never saw it. What I meant to him, what he meant to me..I was just simply blind. I opened my eyes the day he left. And I saw. Love. Limitless love. I guess you never know what you have until you’ve lost it. I guess..

After he left, I felt lost. I lost him. He left. I got lost. Lost. Left. Empty words reapeating themself in my head. My own, selfish head.

You don’t know who I’m talking about. At least, you’re not sure. I’ve lost so many, right? Well, I am sure who I’m talking about. Completely sure. I have no doubt about it. I have no doubt about who I’ve lost, that has meant this much to me, the second he left. I’m sure about who has left me this empty. Who has made me this lost. Empty. Lost. Maybe also angry. And hurt.

I’m sure you’re a little bit closer to understanding who I’m talking about. Understanding – does that word even make any sense?

Who’s to say I cannot love? Who’s to say I’m cold, and emotionless? I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone that way again. I haven’t experienced it, yet. The love I felt for him..it made no sense. It was not to understand. It was to be accepted. And I didn’t – not before he left. Not before I got lost. I just kept trying to understand – understand what did not make sense.

Trying. Understanding. Loving. Huge words to use, for such a little girl, as I am. A little girl indeed. But who am I to say I am a little girl?

I know he didn’t think I was a little girl. I know he loved me. I know I meant a lot to him. I know he thought I was special. Now. Before he left, I had no clue. I didn’t figure it out. Not before it was too late. You might say, that it’s never too late; but for me, it is. It would be nice if there was second chances for everyone. But there are not any second chances for me. He has left. Forever. Best friends, huh? Aren't they supposed to stay by your side? Forever?

Do you know now? Have you figured out who has left me? If you know me, you must have figured it out. You ought to know how I feel.

I guess I’ll never know who knows me and loves me, before they’re gone. Before it’s too late. That’s just who I am, how I am. Always trying to understand the things that are not understandable. This is a weird text. You might not understand, you might just do. Or else, you just don’t have a clue what the hell I’m talking about. I don’t understand it either. So if you do understand, you should get a reward. If you understand, please tell me. You might just help me get back on track.

M. A. X. That spells his name. The little, innocent boy, that I meant a lot to. That meant a lot to me. I guess I never realized.

- Chiaki