Oh, it's not your part but all your fault..

And this jealous actress has a habit of making things sound way to tragic!

The song of the day is Black Cat by Mayday Parade. Do you know that kind of girls, that make everything seem so fucking tragic? Like, everything is just black and sad, and there is nothing left do with life, other than die? I hate those kinds of girls. I really hate them. Well, not them, you know, but the way they act. Like there is nothing good in life. If you only focus on the bad things in your life, then of course, there's nothing but bad things in your life. 

I was confronted with this kind of girl today, the kind of girl that makes everything seem tragic. And she sure did in our conversation as well. Basicly, she asked why I deleted her from my friends on facebook (oh yeah, that's a crime now) and I said I was tired of her attitude, straight out. And..I don't know..her brains just melted or something. She sure didn't use as she replied, calling me an attentioncraving whore, who was not able to look at anything with realistic eyes, and changed her boyfriend every once a week. She also told me that everyone of her friends thought I was ugly, and called me a whore. And I should not reply, btw, because I was a whore, and she didn't want any replies from whores. I think she called me a whore about 10 times, in one message. And told me that she was so much more worth than me.

The whore-thing sort of hurt me. It's not normal for this kind of childish conversations to hurt me..but calling me a whore..that really hit me. Also the fact that she said I was attentioncraving, and that all of her friends hated me. I really didn't like that. But I knew her purpose was to piss me of and hurt me, so I didn't take it in too deep - I just gave her a cold, reasonable reply, telling her to block me if she didn't want a reply. So she blocked me. And I'm glad. I didn't need her in my life, at all.

I hate those kinds of people, that think they're better than others, and that they are allowed to hurt people like that.. They don't even feel bad about themselves, I guess.. It doesn't seem like it. But I'll never get to remove them completely from my life, they'll always be there, hiding in the shadows, talking about me. Frankly.

- Chiaki

I've been to hell, I've been to Vegas and god-knows-where..

But nothing feels like home, like you babe.. I love you more than you will ever know!

The song of the day is Iloveyoumorethanyouwilleverknow by NeverShoutNever. I'm dedicating this song to my incredible boyfriend, whom means the world to me, and I hope to see next weekend.<3

Tomorrow I will be going to see my new school, that I'll be starting at in August. So exciting! My dad's going as well, which really means a lot to me, honestly. Normally, he's too busy to do that kind of stuff, and this is important to me, so I'm glad he takes the time to be there.

The bad thing is; I'm sick. I can barely stand up without feeling like I'm about to throw up.. I hope I'll be feeling a lot better tomorrow, lol! 

Wish me good luck.

- Chiaki

The world is coming down on me, and I can't find a reason to be loved..

I never want to leave you, but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone..

It's time for some more confessions.

The song of the day is Arms by Christina Perri. It is a beautiful song, that I heard yesterday, and instantly, it made me think of my boyfriend. How I feel about my boyfriend. You see, I don't feel like I deserve my boyfriend - there, I said it. I don't deserve him. He is so beautiful, wonderful, sweet, thoughtful, smart, and basicly just fantastic..I'm none of those. He deserves a girl, that is just as amazing as he is. I feel like I am dragging him down with me. 

But, well, I'll never ever leave him. I love him, so I cannot do that. Not unless he is happier without me - because all I want for him to be, is happy. He deserves that. I just hope I make him as happy as I want to make him.<3

- Chiaki

Don't be afraid, it's only love.

Love is simple..

The song of the day is Don't Be Afraid, You're Already Dead by Akron/Family. Because I have fallen in love with this song.

A really good friend of mine, and I, has quite the same taste in music, so he made me a playlist full of songs, that he was sure I would like (that really meant a lot to me, actually, I thought it was a beautiful gesture), and so I listened to it. And this song was on it - and I fell in love right away. I just can't stop listening to it..

What I want to share with you today, is actually something I wrote earlier today, when I was bored in school. It's sort of a really intense expression of my feelings, and it may seem sad, depressing, and confusing - I'm sorry about that. But here you go:

I guess I never realized. I never saw it. What I meant to him, what he meant to me..I was just simply blind. I opened my eyes the day he left. And I saw. Love. Limitless love. I guess you never know what you have until you’ve lost it. I guess..

After he left, I felt lost. I lost him. He left. I got lost. Lost. Left. Empty words reapeating themself in my head. My own, selfish head.

You don’t know who I’m talking about. At least, you’re not sure. I’ve lost so many, right? Well, I am sure who I’m talking about. Completely sure. I have no doubt about it. I have no doubt about who I’ve lost, that has meant this much to me, the second he left. I’m sure about who has left me this empty. Who has made me this lost. Empty. Lost. Maybe also angry. And hurt.

I’m sure you’re a little bit closer to understanding who I’m talking about. Understanding – does that word even make any sense?

Who’s to say I cannot love? Who’s to say I’m cold, and emotionless? I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone that way again. I haven’t experienced it, yet. The love I felt for him..it made no sense. It was not to understand. It was to be accepted. And I didn’t – not before he left. Not before I got lost. I just kept trying to understand – understand what did not make sense.

Trying. Understanding. Loving. Huge words to use, for such a little girl, as I am. A little girl indeed. But who am I to say I am a little girl?

I know he didn’t think I was a little girl. I know he loved me. I know I meant a lot to him. I know he thought I was special. Now. Before he left, I had no clue. I didn’t figure it out. Not before it was too late. You might say, that it’s never too late; but for me, it is. It would be nice if there was second chances for everyone. But there are not any second chances for me. He has left. Forever. Best friends, huh? Aren't they supposed to stay by your side? Forever?

Do you know now? Have you figured out who has left me? If you know me, you must have figured it out. You ought to know how I feel.

I guess I’ll never know who knows me and loves me, before they’re gone. Before it’s too late. That’s just who I am, how I am. Always trying to understand the things that are not understandable. This is a weird text. You might not understand, you might just do. Or else, you just don’t have a clue what the hell I’m talking about. I don’t understand it either. So if you do understand, you should get a reward. If you understand, please tell me. You might just help me get back on track.

M. A. X. That spells his name. The little, innocent boy, that I meant a lot to. That meant a lot to me. I guess I never realized.

- Chiaki

She's got broken things where her heart should be..

But I can tell there are moments when I'm really getting through.

The song of the day is You're Dead Wrong by Mayday Parade. I don't know why. I don't know anything today. I don't think my head has ever been this messed up with thoughts and considerations. Well, I chose this song, because it has been stuck in my head all day..but I don't know why it's been stuck anyways. I just..don't know. Especially the sentence "I can tell there are moments when I'm really getting through" and "we both know I loved you more" keeps repeating themself. And I have no idea why. It's like my brains want to tell me something, but I can't understand what it's saying..meh, I'm just weird today. Sorry.

- Chiaki

Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily?

You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe..

The song of the day is Why by Secondhand Serenade. I actually have nothing to tell you today. Nothing. Today, I just feel empty. I realized something..just a few minutes ago..and now I'm empty. I won't tell you what I've realized, because that would be mean to someone..but it's not something good. It's something that has hurt me..a lot.. Only I, and one other person, knows what I am talking about.
I'm sorry for this weird post. But somehow, I have to share this with someone out there..or else, it'll just break me even more than it already has done.. Sorry.

- Chiaki

You're going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul..

So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?..

The song of the day is Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri. Today, I'm going to write something about letting go of who you once were, and previous relationships, and it's going to be a big confession, and I will be 100 % honest..and you might get quite offended. You see, I'm not exactly innocent..I can tell you that. About a year ago, I was not very nice to guys, nor girls (yes, I'm bi), and I was not very 'hard-to-get', if you know what I mean. Back then, I was convinced I was just enjoying my life - though, I did not realize I was hurting a lot of people on my way. 

Back then, I was a mess inside. My feelings were changing from day to day, and I was very confused. While this was going on, I was also depressed, and cutting. Every day was a struggle for me to get through..though, this is no excuse for what I have done; I have cheated on almost everyone of my past boyfriends.

I believe they all hate me today. I understand why. What I did, was not right. What I did, was more than wrong..it was evil. Back in July..a guy cheated on me..with one of my best friends. I experienced it myself, felt the feelings, saw cheating from a whole other perspective; and I will be forever thankful. If I hadn't experienced that, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I am still having a hard time, looking at myself in the mirror, asking myself "who did you think you were, as you ran around leaving scars?" - but I have a boyfriend now, that I would never ever ever cheat on. I don't want to. I have not even thought about it a second. And that calms me. It convinces me, that I am not that girl anymore, I am not the girl that left scars. I am a whole other girl today - a girl that sticks with her boyfriend, a girl that loves her boyfriend more than anything..I am the girl I want to be.
Frankly, a lot of people are not as convinced as I, and my closest friends, are. That is why I chose to do this confession. I'm not the girl I was a year ago, and I want people to remember that. I want people to believe that I have changed, or at least give me a chance to show them, before they judge me.
And to all of the ex's that I have hurt: I can never apologize enough. I can never say "I'm sorry," enough. I can never ever ever make it up to you. I just hope that you can, as well as I, let go of the past.
And I hope, that if there is anyone out there, who has also changed to the better after having a hard time in life, you'll be able to let go of who you once were, and forgive yourself. I am on my way.

- Chiaki

Fear of the dark, I have constant fear that something's always near..

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark! I have a phobia that someone's always there..

It's time for some confessions again.

The song of the day is Fear Of The Dark by Iron Maiden. Fuck yea, great band, great song, great everything! But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I am indeed scared of, that someone is watching me.. It's not exactly the dark that I'm afraid of; more the things that can hide in it. Lets just get to the point: I am very, very, very paranoid. I have a constant feeling that someone is looking at me all the time.. It's freaks me out, but I've learned to live with it by now, lol..

I don't have much to say about this confession, though..at least, not more than I've already told you by now.

- Chiaki

They say that good things take time..

But really great things happen in the blink of an eye!

The song of the day is One In A Million by Sandy Molling. I know what you might think now..'wait, isn't this song by Hannah Montana?' - no it's not! Originally, Sandy made it, and 'Hannah' covered it. So there's your explanation.

I'm dedicating this song to my boyfriend, whom has been mine for a month, today. I love him. That's all I can think of right now. Whenever I want to write something amazing about him, I sit with a blank page, simply because I cannot describe my feelings for him with words.. It annoys me, but on the other hand, it's absolutely fantastic, that he can make me feel that way..that he is able to take away my breath, and my words, and make my heart melt whenever I think about him, or hear his voice.. It's so..again, I cannot find any words that describe how it is. How it feels, or how it makes me so crazily happy. 

I chose exactly this song, because the lyrics always makes me think of him..they just match how I feel about him, and everything. "All this time I was looking for love, trying to make things work that weren't good enough, 'till I thought "I'm through," said "I'm done," and stumbled into the arms of the one..." <3

You see, before I got together with my boyfriend, I was with a guy, that I was really unhappy with..and when I broke up with him, I pretty much said "that's it, if this is what love is like, then I'm done with it!". And about three days later..I cammed with my boyfriend for the first time (we had been good friends, writing and talking on the phone, for some months)..and I realized how much I actually liked him. And before I got to think more about it, I was in love, and my broken heart was fixed, just like that. Right when I gave up, I found the guy that I had been looking for all along.. 

I have told my boyfriend multiple times, that he is my dream-guy..and I've meant it every time..but I've never meant it as much, as I do now: Sigurd..you are the boy I've always been looking for. You have taught me what it's like to really be in love, and don't want anyone else, and you have taught me, that love is not about age or distance or anything else, than the two that are in love. It's about you and me. You give meaning to the word 'love'. You are indeed one in a million..and I never thought I'd be so lucky, that I'd find someone like you. I love you more than anything..I don't hope you'll ever doubt that. I love you.

- Chiaki

Now it's up for her to fight it, all alone, and undecided..

Sick but pretty, sad but thin..just a little more, and she'll get his attention!

(In the next couple of entrys, I'll try to do some confession on what I feel, and it might get a bit emo - I'm sorry about that. It's just an advice I got from a friend, and I thought I'd do what he told me to, since his advices usually helps me a lot...)

The song of the day is Sick But Pretty by So Next Week...

Lately I've been having a weird feeling of being 'imperfect'. I've had real low self-esteem.. I still have. But today, I remembered this song, that was once my favorite song, and I listened to it..and it helped a bit. Just a bit, but it was still a lot for me. For once in a long time, I actually felt some hope, that I might just feel beautiful one day. 

I don't know if there is any of you, that has the same huge longing after being perfect? And every time someone points out your flaws, you break down inside, because all you want to, is be beautiful, like all of the people that surrounds you? Well, if you do feel that way, then you know how I feel as well. 

Whenever I look around, I see beautiful people. The girls in my class are gorgeous, my friends are gorgeous, the people in my family are gorgeous, my boyfriend is gorgeous.. Everyone..gorgeous. And then there's me. I stand in front of the mirror, and I hate what I see. My lopsided lips, my cracked nose, those stupid eyes that cannot see without glasses, my thin hair..everything is ugly to me.. 

Whenever someone tells me I'm beautiful, I cannot believe it. It just passes me by, because I can't see it..at all. 

Those are all of the confessions I have for now. I'll see if I can get anything else out tomorrow. But right now, that's all. If there's anyone out there, like me; hang on.. One day you'll realize how beautiful you are.

I won't be angry if you have to leave, but I won't be waiting for that day.

So don't say you're sorry, because I won't believe you..

The song of the day is Spirit of the Stairwell by Circa Survive..I cannot give you any other reason, than the fact that it's been stuck inside my head all day long.

A really good friend of mine send it to me last night, to cheer me up, because I was somehow kind of down, even though I have had a great weekend with my boyfriend. And it helped. I don't know why, I don't know how, it just helped..I like that.

Frankly, I don't know what else to say about the song of the day..so to make my entry a little longer, I will tell you why I am blogging now, and not tonight; I'm going to a drama-lesson. Well, I think so..

It's something some actress-thingy has started, where you will learn how it is to work together in a whole show, with dancing, acting, singing and stuff, and in March or April or something, we'll do a real show. It'll be awesome - I hope. So tonight I'm busy, and that's why I'm blogging now. Yay-something...

- Chiaki

Girl in a glassbox, dressed in white. Happy enough to commit suicide!

She said "silver's meant to burn forever". <3

The song of the day is Silverflame by Dizzy Mizz Lizzy. It's a danish rockband, that is no longer together. It is also my favorite band! 

I chose Silverflame, because it's been stuck in my head all day.. It's the most mysterious song I've ever heard, if you can put it that way. I've never really figured out what it makes me feel - happy, hopeful, sad? I don't know. I'm not sure. I just know that I find it absolutely amazing.

- Chiaki

Friday 13th..

Ok. So the song of the day does not have any actual lyrics..because it's a movie theme. Since it's Friday 13th today, I thought I'd share the theme of the original Friday 13th. 

Since I've never told you guys, I'm going to tell you know: I am in love with the horror genre. 

I basicly know everything about horror movies.. I've watched every subgenre from slasher to monster. It's amazing, because two years ago, I would cry over Scary movie, lol. Today I don't know anyone that is as hardcore as me, when it gets to horrormovies.

Today I am, as you may know if you read my entry for yesterday, with my boyfriend. And I am forcing him to watch Saw. My favorite movies. <3

So I'll probably have to end know...hehe.

Happy Friday 13th to all of you! Hope yours was a lot scarier than mine.

- Chiaki

To know that you feel the same as I do, is a three fold utopian dream!

You do something to me, that I can't explain.. So would I be out of line, if I said "I miss you"?

The song of the day is I Miss You by Incubus. I love this song, it's so cute! Reminds me of my boyfriend. And the lyrics' a perfect match today..'cause it's been ten days since he went home, and I miss him like crazy.

I'm actually going to see him tomorrow, and stay with him for the entire weekend, so I'm not sure if I'll get to blog again before Sunday.

Anyways..I miss him. A lot. Like..really, a lot. Too much.

I miss the electric feeling I get when his lips meet mine, the warmth I feel when he's holding me in his arms, and the breathtaking beauty I see whenever I look at him. The way he brings butterflies up inside me, whenever he says he loves me, and I know, that he's not lying..

I miss everything about him. Tomorrow, I will finally get to hold him close again. And I just can't wait.<3

- Chiaki

I've had my wakeup, won't you wake up?

I keep asking why..
The song of the day is Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne.

I've had a pretty weird, rough, and bad day. Usually, after such a day, I would come home, and send my best friend a message. I would tell him what happened, and he'd understand, and comfort me. Tell me all the right things. Then he died. 

I haven't had a really shitty day for a long time now..but today was just it. And it made me miss him way too much..made me think of the good times, our long conversations, his way of making me happy even when I was more down than ever. The way he always knew what to say, he always had something smart to say. A beautiful quote that would fit, or some theory about how all humans are able to be happy if they want to. I miss the way I always knew he loved me, even though he rarely told me straight out.

I just miss him.. 

I hope you're better now, whereever you are, Max..

- Chiaki

Nothing left inside, say you love me..

And the silence will set her free.

The song of the day is The Silence by Mayday Parade. I linked the acoustic version, because that's the one I like the best. c:

I chose this song, not because it's one of my favorites, but because I once heard it, after a guy that had been a real douchebag broke up with me, and I thought 'oh my god, that's how I feel'. I listened to this song non-stop, and I was completely convinced that it would never change. That time would never ease the pain. 

Today I look back at that, and smile in a sad kind of way. I was so depressed back then....but today, I'm happy. So if there's anyone out there, with a broken heart, who believes the pain will never end: It will. Trust me. No pain can last forever - the human soul is made to seek happiness. And one day, it'll find happiness to you as well, no matter if you try to find it or not. One day, you will, just like me, realize that time has eased the pain.

- Chiaki

And I don't know what else to say to you..

I just want to be the face you wake up to!

The song of the day is Closer by Chase Coy. In a week, I'm going to see y boyfriend again. As you probably know, it's a long distance relationship, so he lives pretty far away. It's going to be amazing to kiss him again.<3

I chose Closer because it express' my feelings right now. All I want is to be closer to my boyfriend.. Frankly, that's not possible. But, really, I just want to be the face he wakes up to every morning..

- Chiaki

So how did it feel? When you held the knife..

That you stuck right in my back, a thousand times!

I'm sorry I haven't been bloggin' the last couple of days. I've been busy..

The song of the day is Caught Like A Fly by Falling In Reverse, one of my favorite bands. It's a really awesome song, like the rest of their songs, if you like this kind of music.

I chose it because a lot of my old 'friends' has been sending me messages lately, telling me they're missing me and stuff. There is indeed a reason why they're not my friends anymore. I just want to send them this song, let them know I'm not taking them back, you know?

You see, almost every one of my old friends has stabbed me in the back multiple times, just like I stabbes them in the back. But I'm honest about it, I know what I did, I know I was stupid - they deny it.
I'm not that kind of person that'll forgive backstabbing. Actually, that's one of the worst things you can do to me. I really, really hate being stabbed in the back. I feel like I never meant anything to the person who did it. I can forgive such things, but I just simply don't want to, lol. It takes such a long time for me to really trust someone, and if they ruin that, I'm not going to take any more time for trusting them again. You only get one chance with me.

- Chiaki