Too much all at once, that's how you got so ungrateful..
The song of the day is Imaginary Enemy by Circa Survive. I dedicate this song to an ex boyfriend of mine, whom hates me...well, for no reason at all. I am his imaginary enemy. Last night, he found his way into my blog, unfortunately. He commented on my entry about getting engaged, and said a lot of nasty things about my past, that I don't really want to think about or remember, because I don't want to live in the past, and because I don't want to be the person I was back then. I want to forget, which is why I deleted the entry - I don't want anything like that on this blog, which is my search for happiness. But, well, he wrote all those shitty things, even though I thought he had given up on that kind of harassment, after forcing me into deleting my old, inactive blog, because it had stories about our relationship, which he just really hated - you know, the relationship - and which made him sick. I also wrote an entry when I broke up (which I did, because I was about to get a depression from being with him, and I didn't want that), because I still 'loved' him - I'm sorry, I didn't know what it felt like to love someone back then, before I met Sigurd. Basically, I was a completely different person back then - people whom was close to me back then, and whom is close to me now can confirm that. I was a lying, cheating, wheeping, bitching, attentionseeking, fat, ugly, stupid, immature girl, who thought I knew it all, but just had a serious problem with getting depressed. It's not like it's my own fault I turned out that way - a lot of people has helped me. But finally, this exboyfriend gave me the final kick to start changing. He tried to commit suicide, and I just..saw someone I once was, in him.. I saw the immaturity, the stupidity, the helpless person who just suffered every day, and couldn't get up. And I decided, that I did not want to be that person ever again. So I tried to be happy - but is was hard, when the boy (I thought) I loved acted like he hated me, suddenly wanted to have sleepovers with other girls, and didn't tell me a thing about how he felt about anything. He cut me off, and I was not a part of his life. He started hating me, when all I did was try to be everything he wanted and needed. My heart broke, and then I ran into the arms of a guy whom could fix it, and I took the motherfucking chance. I am so fucking sorry, okay? But I just.....I wanted to be happy. And I thought, 'if not now, not ever', and so I went for it, and i did get happy. I learned what it means to love, I learned what it means to get your broken heart fixed, I learned what 'love at first sight' means. I started this blog, and I started loving - and not just Sigurd..me, myself, my family, my friends, the entire world was suddenly brighter, because I took that chance. So I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that I am happy now, and I didn't manage to pull you up with me. I know I was supposed to be your best friend, that I was supposed to stand by your side, help you, be there for you, and never leave you.. But, hey, what could I do? "I've tried so hard to be what you needed.. I'm your imaginary enemy. I've tried for so long to make you believe it..that I am not the enemy" - but you just wouldn't believe it. I'm sorry, I gave up, and I quit. I hope you'll someday be happy. I hope you'll some day understand, that I've changed. And no, I have no intention of breaking up with Sigurd, or cheating on him..just for your information.
- Chiaki
No comments:
Post a Comment