This is my brain, and it's fine..

It's where I spend the vast majority of my time - it's not perfect, but it's mine.

The song of the day is Not Perfect by Tim Minchin. As a lot of you have probably noticed, I haven't wrote an entry for quite some time.. And, well, I've had a good reason. It's time to end this blog.

I made this blog to make a documentation of my change.. It started when I fell in love with Sigurd, and knew, I was going to change for him. And I've changed, into what I wanted to be. And for a second there, my life was, well, perfect..I was happy and careless. 

Now, I am, as the new myself, facing new challenges. I am staring into the eyes of love, and I don't know what love it is that I prefer, what is more important.. My family, my friends, my study, or my fiancé.. It probably should be obvious, but it isn't. And on top of this, I am trying to remember this mantra I've been using for the past couple of months.. 'Fuck perfection'. It's not always easy.

I always told you guys, that this was a positive blog. But now I need a place where I can get negative and angry and frustrated, and just let it out. So I created 'the Mantra of Me'. I used Not Perfect by Tim Minchin to start up the new blog, so it's only logical, at least to myself, that I use it to end this one.. 

I hope you guys enjoyed following this whole documentation of my life, but it's time to realize, that I can't stay in the safe zone. I gotta get out of there, into life, as a brand new me, testing out this new personality and view of the world that surrounds me. And that's what I'll do, as I'm trying to remember the Mantra of Me.

Tag along on http://marietrappehave.blogspot.com, and thank you for reading, sharing, and staying strong with me. Keep on doing that. Remember, that happiness is for everyone, and that even though it may not be perfect...it can definitly be damn fine.

- Chiaki

Your love is like one last breath of salty air...

Your love is like a map that leads to nowhere..

The song of the day is Drowned by Tim Minchin. Today, I've been with Sigurd for eight months. Eight fucking months. That's a long time. It's the longest time I've been in love with someone. It's really..amazing. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. So I should probably explain why I chose this song, as a lot of you might see it as a sad song.

To me, it's not. I think this song is about loving someone whom is hard to love. Someone whom is complicated, someone whom might not treat you right, but someone whom you want to fight for. I think that love is the best and strongest love. The kind of love where you stay together, even though you go through hard times..the kind of love where you fight, and at the end of the day, even though it's a hard day, you're happy. Perhaps even happier than ever. That's the kind of love Sigurd and I have..and that's why I've chosen this song.

Stay strong, guys, love will come to the one whom waits for it.

- Chiaki

I hate to say I told you so..

But I just thought I'd let you know!

The song of the day is Some Days by The Maine. It really is an apology. I haven't been updating at all, lately, but I just haven't felt like it, because I've been super busy, and I've had way too much on my mind. There's been lots of speculations about Sigurd, and starting up in a new school, and such. It's been rough.

But, well, Sigurd and I got it all figured out now, I think. And the new school is great. I mean, I was so nervous that people wouldn't talk to me, and I'd be freaking out, but it's actually fine.. We're all a bit quiet now, but my classmates seems rather friendly, and that's a good sign, definitly. I really like that, and all the new things are super exciting. I honestly can't wait to really get started. 

I'll try to blog a bit more, but I still have a lot of things to get used to and into right now. But I'll try, I promise. Stay strong, guys.

- Chiaki

Set out running, but I take my time..

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine!

The song of the day is Friend of the Devil by Grateful Dead. I don't really know why, I've just been listening to it all day, honestly. It's a really great song, I think. As always, Grateful Dead has some awesome lyrics, with great meaning, that always brings me in a better mood. It's just simply been a boring day, honestly, lol. Sorry.

- Chiaki

Just sunshine and blue skies..

Is this all we get, for living here?

The song of the day is Still Alive by Lisa Miskovsky. First of all...I want to apologize for not writing any entrys for the last week. But my life has been..a complete mess. So many strange things has happened, I haven't been able to truly understand anything. I haven't really had any time to think. 

As you all know, I slept at my ex boyfriend's house, at his couch, because I was drunk, and didn't want my parents to come get me, because it was really late. And because I thought we were friends again, as he said this to me, at the party we were both at. Next morning, he was ice cold and kicked me out. And, well, same evening, my boyfriend came home. I told him about it and such, and he understood, and said he trusted me. The next day, Thursday, I went to Århus to be with him.. My boyfriend lives out of Århus, and to get there, I have to take a bus, and then get picked up at the endstation, to get to his house. And for the first time, I took the hourlong busdrive by myself, as my boyfriend was tired and didn't want to go all the way to Århus to follow me back to his place, as he usually does. That was a big deal to me. A really big deal.

Anyway, so we were together again after 17 days of seperation, and I was so happy..but I could tell there was something wrong. My ex whom I stayed at for the night also send old naked picutres of me to Sigurd, telling me he had slept with me and such. Sigurd believed me, when I told him, that honestly, my ex just can't stop messing with my life. The next day, we went to the cinema to watch The Amazing Spiderman, and we got in a fight about wether it was a new story, or the exact same as the first movie. We fought the entire way home, and at home...and then I tried to get Sigurd to tell me what was wrong, why he wasn't happy. And.. Well, he told me he stopped loving me. And I broke to pieces. I just..broke. During the time he has spend in France, I have realized how much I love him. How I cannot live without him. 

Well, we talked about it. All night. And went to bed around 4 A.M. And started talking as soon as we woke up, and talked the entire day...and eventually, when I gave up and wanted to pack my stuff and leave..he didn't want me to..because he would miss me, and feel empty if I left.. He couldn't stand the thought of never seeing me ever again, never talking to me, holding me tight, or kissing me again. And he realized he loves me, and always have. 

That was quite some...bn 0fiodkcdsc+om. Yup. So it took some time to..get over it, so to speak. But now we're happy again. At least I hope so.

- Chiaki

What you said when you left..

Just left me cold and out of breath.

The song of the day is Over You by Daughtry. I've, unfortunately, been spending a lot of time lately, thinking about what would've happened if I had stayed with my exboyfriend, instead of leaving him to be with Sigurd. I thought it would've been great, and we could've worked it out. Obviously, I wasn't over him, at all.

Yesterday, I went to a party..I had a few too many drinks, and got drunk. And my exboyfriend was there. So, we went outside to talk, and we talked and talked, laying in the grass, looking at the stars. It was very, very 'romantic'..I guess.. I thought I felt something, and I went home with him, and slept on his couch, so that we could talk in the morning, when I was sober.. And when I saw him this morning.. Nothing. Nothing at all. Just plain nothing. No feelings, no love, not even friendship. Everything I've ever felt for him..it's gone. It's a relief. Now, I know, that Sigurd is the only one, there's no feelings left, no dreams of a future, for any of my exboyfriend's. It's all for Sigurd. I'm finally ready.

- Chiaki

There's more than this mid-western town..

I can't let this place keep me down..

The song of the day is Take Me Away by Chase Coy, because there's some special words in this song, that makes me burst into tears; take me away to January, I'm done with this year - I'm tired of everyone here. Today, I just broke. I just finally let go, and gave up. And it affected me in a very, very unfortunate way. 

You see, everything is shit now. I'm just so fucking tired and depressed, and I can't stand the feeling of losing Sigurd every second of the day. It's driving me crazy. The only truly good things in my life right now, are my dearest friends at the moment, Naja and Patrick. I don't know what I would do without them..really. Stay strong, guys, we can make it someday.

- Chiaki