The song of the day is No One Like You by Scorpions. I don't really have anything special to tell you about this song, other than it reminds me of my boyfriend. Whom is amazing. And whom I love. And whom has really been there for me today. I appreciate this. So I suppose this is just a big thank you, Sigurd. There's no one like you.
The song of the day is Mr. Medicine by Eliza Doolittle.. I've been wanting to do an entry about this song for quite some time, but I couldn't figure out what to write about it. Well, now I'm just sharing it with you, telling you that's it's one of my favorite songs. My Mr. Medicine is my boyfriend, because he always makes me happy when I'm down. I really want to share something that I wrote earlier today, when I was in a train on my way home from Copenhagen, where I've spent Saturday and most of Sunday with my boyfriend, some of his friends, and his family.
I'm living my life on trains. Nothing less. Trains between two cities.
One my home, the other a place that just seems empty without him.
It takes an hour and a half to reach my home. My home is where he is.
Where he is, is the place that I belong. I don't want to be anywhere else.
So I'm living my life on trains. Spending hours on them, every other weekend.
I can't help but love the invention. A fast way to go to the distant place that I find is my home.
How come that be? I don't know. All I know, is that whereever he is, I belong there.
When he is here, it feels like home. When he's there, that feels like home.
Because of him, I spend my life on trains. And I don't mind. Oh, what I wouldn't do for love..
The song of the day is Our Song by Goodnight Nurse. I am dedicating this entry, this song, and this entire blog to Max. One year ago, about this time, he died. He committed suicide. I have never ever told anyone why, other than that he had problems with his parents, and I am proud of that. I've never told anyone anything about him other than his name and date of death, nothing personal like date of birth, age, home, anything. I'm proud of that. That way, he remains the angel I always saw him as. No one can say something mean about him, no one knows him. People can't say anything other than they feel with my loss. I like that. I think it's an honerable way to remember him.
Max was the most imperfect boy I've ever met, and that is what made him so god damn perfect. He knew he wasn't perfect, he admitted and understood, and he looked himself in the mirror every morning anyways. What he didn't see, was, that his imperfection made him perfect. I never told him I thought that way about him, our relationship wasn't like that - we never gave each other compliments or so..we just listened and understood - but somehow today, I wish I did. Maybe it would've changed something. Maybe it would've made him happy. He was intelligent, probably the smartest guy I've ever known, and beautiful..he was focused on every project he started, he was loyal, and he was a great listener. He was so incredibly brave that I couldn't understand it, all the things he went through and even though he kept his head held high until the very last second. In a note that a person read outloud to me on the phone, he claimed that no one ever was the reason for his suicide; he was simply tired of this world, tired of sadness and loneliness, and he didn't think he could ever truly be happy here. He apologized to me, and told me to always just be happy, even though he couldn't. And he wrote he looked forward to meeting God. Max believed in God, he believed in something better after death. That is what inspired me, and made me religious as well; I just believe in Buddhism.
Max was the friend I had always missed out on. He was that friend that I needed, just to be happy. He was the one friend, that came to me when I was in distress. He pretty much fell down from heaven..and he listened. He listened to all that I had to say to him, even though we didn't know each other.. And he understood.. He gave me the advice, to just always be happy. Back then, about two and a half year ago, I didn't understand. I didn't see how I could 'just always be happy'. But now I've passed that advice on to so many. It's the smartest thing I've ever heard, honestly. Because if you can be happy, even though everything is miserable, then everything isn't that miserable anymore. It may be hard to understand...but it makes perfect sense, and it is true as fuck. I took that advice in, not knowing how to always be happy, and today I use it every day.
Truth is, there is no way to always be happy. There will always be times when you're down, and nothing can really cheer you up. But throwing yourself on the floor, letting yourself be sad, isn't very helpful. You have to figure out a way to be happy. That's what Max taught me; to be happy. I know how to be happy now. I've come so far since last year, I've gained so much knowledge, confidence, and happiness. I've been to hell and I've been to heaven during the past year, and I suppose that's a part of life. But when you learn how to be happy, even though you are in hell..then you are truly blessed. I'm going through hell now..and right now..I'm happy. It's rough, but I'm happy. Therefore, I am satisfied with myself, my life, and everything else.
So today, on the anniversary of his suicide, I'm passing on to you what Max didn't understand himself.. Just always be happy. It's not impossible.
To prove my point, and to make Max proud and show him that I'm trying to just always be happy, I'm not staying home today. I'm not staying here crying and mourning. I'm going to spend the day with family and friends at a funpark, where I'm going to see my boyfriend's band do a concert, too. And I can't wait. I love you, Max. I'm just always happy when I think of you, because you taught me how to. The song I posted today will always be our song, you showed me the band, and it was the first song I listened to after I heard about your suicide. I'm not angry, or disappointed. I understand. Just like we both always did. This is our sad goodbye, but it's not a bad goodbye.
All the people stepped back when a young man walked by!
The song of the day is Young Man Blues by The Who. This a really awesome song, by a really awesome band, and it seems to somehow cheer me up a bit, and I definitly need that right now. Anyways, I don't have that much to share, because I'll be writing a lot tomorrow..so I guess I'll just end now, with the message: Today all the old men's got all the money! And, this is an awesome song, with awesome lyrics, and an awesome rythm. Did I mention that it was awesome? Lol.
The song of the day is With The Wind by Yiruma.. It is actually 'just' a piano-piece..but it's very beautiful, and it helps me a lot right now.. It makes me relax and breathe deeply, which I seem to have some problems with right at the moment, because of a day that is coming over me a little too soon.
28th of April 2011, my best friend Max killed himself. It broke my heart, but I've learned so much from it. I've learned to be happy. Though, these days are tough, I try to wake up and smile, and embrace what every new day has to offer me. And, after all, I am not alone, I have realized that now. I have my friends to support me through these days..and I think I'll start using it, instead of pushing them all away at the moment. It's hard to keep everyone out of my life, when all I really need is someone who cares.. Maybe I should reconsider what I'm doing.
None of that ever seems to matter when I'm holding you.
I would like to change the song of the day. Earlier, it was When You're Gone, but now it is You Had Me At Hello by A Day To Remember. If I've learned one thing today it's that I should never post a song of the day in the middle of a fight with my boyfriend. I've also realized that I can't live without him, and I want to marry him right away, stupid or not. I never want to be seperated from him, ever.
When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you..
The song of the day is When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. This explains my current situation, and what I'm going through. It's the saddest yet most beautiful piece of music I can think of right now.
