The song of the day is Perfect by Simple Plan. This is a song that hits me every time. It breaks down all of the walls I put up when it comes to my dad - it's just so true, and exactly how I feel. And somehow, whenever I feel like my dad doesn't understand me, this line repeats itself inside my head;
"And now I try hard to make it I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright";
and I feel the tears coming up my eyes, and my voice gives in, and I feel so incredibly weak. All I want is to make him proud of me.. I just..want him to like what he sees. I want him to be satisfied with me. I want him to focus on the things that I do right, and not the things I can't do right.. It hurts when he always says I'm wrong, and everything I do is wrong.. My friends are wrong, what I think is wrong, what I say is wrong..I'm just basically wrong all around.
He always disapproves. I feel like, whenever I want to tell him how I feel about something, or make him see a situation from my point of view, he's just thinking that I'm to dumb to have an oppinion..and he turns his back on me.. I can't handle it.. Why am I not good enough for him? Why can't I ever do something right? He always points out my flaws. That's all I ever hear when it comes to him. "Marie, don't do that." "Marie, you should do it like this." "Marie, that's not right." "Marie, why don't you do something else." "Marie, why can't you just do it right."
I'm sorry I can't be perfect, no matter how much I try.
'Cause then you really might now what it's like to have to loose.
The song of the day is What It's Like by Everlast. I've always had a very special feeling about this song..it's so true and it really brings up some strong emotions in me, but at the same time makes me calm a bit down, if I'm angry or hurt. That's why this is the song of the day.
You see, in life, there will always be someone who just won't like you. Usually, it's people whom doesn't know you at all. I have nothing left for these people anymore. They have hurt me too much, and I won't allow them to do it again. After all, you have no respect for human beings, if you use someones flaws against them, when they haven't said a thing to annoy you. Especially if you only know their name, and not even their story. Not from my point of view.
I know a few guys, that are like this. I've never done anything to them, and I suppose that is what makes it hurt; the things they say, the things they call me, the way the laugh and look down on me.
Anyway, I'll tell you the story behind the song of the day: Earlier today in school, my english teacher asked me, if she should use a specific word in a sentence, or if she could say something else; and I answered. She does this sometimes, because some things in english, I suppose I am more familiar with than her.. And I thought I'd share with my friends on facebook, because I feel rather smart when my teacher does that. First comment: lol.. It was from one of those boys. And so, two others joined them, and one of them was kind of..respectless. "Oh god :O Marie you are so great ! you little angel, it's great that you can make yourself look good on facebook....." - this was never my intention. My intention was sharing something that I thought was awesome? Another thing they wrote: "I think the teacher is a lot better sweety :)". Then, a guy that is like a brother to me, and whom is dyslexic, wrote a comment about I was better at english. Then, one of the guys wrote, that I was better at spelling. That pissed me off, so I finally replied a rather immature reply, I do admit that, about his immature behaviour. He then told me, I didn't know him. I then told him that I see him every day, I see the way he acts and I listen to the shit he says, and I didn't believe he could change completely whenever I wasn't there. And then, the nastiest reply got right back at me: "Isn't it immature to sit in a corner, and sob to get the girls attention? You are just weak and can't handle any problems by yourself." and he went on with the 'you don't know me'-thing. I quoted this song, and we ended up deleting each other. And so, I started deleting everyone on my friendlist, that has had a problem with me, or has talked shit to me. And I feel better now.
But I have one comment, about the 'sitting in a corner and sobbing'-thing: You can't imagine what I've been through..all by myself. I've made it without anyones help. And now, I've found out, that some of my girl-classmates wants to listen and comfort me, if I get sad during the classes in school - so of course I 'use' that, and I seek some support - but I'm not just sitting in a corner and sobbing all the time. I do it when I'm really down, and I need some comfort, and that does happen at times, because in my head, I'm not always able to carry around everything I've been through. Sometimes I start crying in class, if we start talking about death or something like that. And there is a reason for that; my two closest friends has died within the past year, and it takes some time to move on. But I'm not giving up. And I'm not letting go. And I'm not breaking down. And I am not weak. I'm a fucking survivor!
I hope you guys get my point with this; don't let anyone tell you what's right and wrong, and what you can do or can't do. If they know your name, and not your story, then don't bother. They're not worth it.
The song of the day is Be Mine by Robyn - but this version is by Ellie Goulding and Erik Hassle, and this is the version I prefer to listen to. But, well, I didn't choose this song because it has anything to do with my life right now..I know more than ever, that Sigurd is mine, and I am his.
I just thought I'd share this beautiful song with you, because it is so amazingly beautiful and fantastic. In my oppinion, after all. Anyways, enjoy this great piece of music, enjoy your Sunday evening, and be happy, even though life may seem tough and unfair. Keep your head up, aye?
The song of the day is Disposable Teens by Marilyn Manson! Finally something a bit more hardcore, lol, I haven't really been posting any songs from my "old taste in music" - back when I wore black clothes, had black eyeliner all around my eyes, and had black puffy hair. Yes, I have been there.
Anyways, this is a song I got to know back then, and it was actually my favorite song for a while! Back then - I think it was a year ago - I was crazy about The Blair Witch Project. So when I found out there was made a The Blair Witch Project || - Book Of Shadows, I had to watch it! This song was a part of the intro, it plays while you see the forest, in which the three young people got lost in the first movie.. After this, the movie starts, and I'm not going to tell you the entire movie; but check it out, it is absolutely mindfucking! Well, back to subject; I heard this song, and I thought it was soooo awesome! So I spend like forever, trying to find a tracklist of the soundtrack - apparently, Blair Witch || ain't very wellknown - and when I finally found it, I checked out every single song on the soundtrack, 'till I found this! I got really fascinated by Marilyn Manson (it was the first song I heard by him), and I started listening a lot to his songs - and since then, I've loved Marilyn Manson. At some point, he might be a very big inspiration to me - I mean, he is so fucking unique, that it's almost unbelieveable - and I feel very weird when I haven't listened to his music for a long time. I'm just so..used to listening to it.
The reason why I chose this song, is because it's Friday 13th today, and I came to think of this song, that was on the soundtrack of a horrormovie, lol. Plus, Marilyn Manson scares me a little bit..just a little bit. I also took the freedom to add a picture of me a year ago - it was a picture I found the other day, and I realized I never used it for anything - so I mistreated it a bit in picnik, and there you go.. Happy Friday 13th!
The song of the day is Bang Bang, originally by Cher, but this version is Nancy Sinatra. First of all, I'd like to apologize for the bad quality...I wasn't really able to find it in any better state.
Well...I have always had a very special and personal connection with this song, ever since I watched Kill Bill.. It really honestly gives me the chills, and I can't help but get all weird whenever I listen to it... It's so..amazing. So captivating. And Nancy Sintra is a very beautiful woman, whom goes well with the song, lol.
Anyways, I chose this, because today has been a weird day, and every time I'm having a weird day, I listen to this..and I get even more freaked out because of the feeling it gives me, but I also gets down to earth-like.
I don't know if this entry makes any sense to you..but it does to me. Well, let me end with a question; do you have any songs, that just gives you the strangest feeling inside, that you can't explain? If so, comment and tell me!
- Chiaki
(Btw, look at this awesome thingy I made today....)
The song of the day is Skinny Love by Bon Iver, but the version I chose is performed by Birdy. This is my new favorite song.. I heard it for about an hour, nonstop, yesterday evening. It made me think of an ex boyfriend, whom I somehow miss a lot. Or, I miss who he once used to be. Now he is no longer the happy boy I came to know.
It is a very emotional song, and also rather painful. The lyrics are rather exceptional, with lots of symbols and stuff, which makes this song very deep, and very unique. But what I think it's about, is a relationship that is falling to pieces, or ending. Somehow she still loves him, but he has hurt her so many times, that she is too disappointed to go on - though, she still tries, and prays that it will last. That's how I felt after one month with him, my ex - I knew it was falling apart, but I held on, and I didn't want to let go.. I prayed it would last, for just a year, I prayed I would get to experience nothing but love with him.. But it didn't work out that way. He was only able to see my flaws, even though I gave him everything. And so, I was only able to see my flaws, too. At last I broke to pieces.
Don't let love make you blind. Please. You're far too beautiful. /you know who you are
The song of the day is I Feel Better by Gotye. First of all, I want to say sorry for not blogging in ages, but I have had at little 'time off', since I found that I was too sad, tired and annoyed to write anything meaningful or good or interesting. That is one reason for choosing this song - it describes how I've felt lately. Everything has kind of been falling apart, both my friendships, my relationship, and myself.
Friday 30rd of March, my boyfriend arrived at my house, and he was to spent eight days with me, because of the very beloved easter-holiday. And that was just what I needed to get back on track. Eight days of falling asleep in his arms, and waking up to see his smile, and talking all day and night about everything and nothing..it has been amazing. And now I feel much better. Even though shit is still fucked up in my mind, at least I can smile and be happy again now. I believe I can go on for a little while again, lol.
Anyways..that was the biggest reason for choosing this song, which is about being sad and depressed, and then someone comes along, and changes it to the better. That's what my boyfriend did, and has done a lot of times now. He makes me happy. And I love him for that.
